How to Say No

photo: net_ekekt

Sometimes we want to say no, but we don’t. This isn’t an introvert only issue, it’s a people issue. Lots of people get caught saying yes and then regretting it, when it would’ve just been better to say no.

There are two saying no scenarios that cause trouble for lots of us. The first is when we say yes to please someone or to make them stop bugging us, when we should have said no and stuck to it. This seems to be a universal problem. I mean that all kinds of people get stuck in this one sometimes, except those who have learned to choose their yeses very wisely.

The second no saying scenario that is a problem, at least for us introverts, is when we say no to the extroverted friend who always wants to head out for a couple drinks after work, or wants to go shopping at the mall on Saturday afternoon with “the girls”. Saying no in these situations can lead to hurt feelings or anger for the friend, and guilt for the introvert.

And what about the holidays (I know, I’m sick of talking about the holidays too)? Just how can an introvert say no to that one party that is going to send him or her over the edge, without having to wear the multi-label of party-pooper, Scrooge and anti-social loser? What about when you’re asked to help out with the school fundraiser by working the phones and handing out informative flyers at the next high school band concert?

Well, here are my suggestions, but first I have to mention that in the middle of the night last night when I was pondering this topic, all of my “no” responses sounded like: Get away from me you vampire!

Now that I’m fully awake, I realize that responding like that to the friendly solicitations of well-meaning people might sound a little harsh. So instead, introverts like you or I (or anyone for that matter) might say…

• No thank you.
• I need to focus on my personal life right now.
• I have been bogged down at work and need to spend some time alone relaxing.
• I’m sorry, but I’ve set that day (afternoon, whatever) aside for some personal time for myself.
• Not this time, but possibly in the future. Next time, give me a bit more time to fit it in to my schedule.
• This week isn’t good for me, but I am free either next Thursday or Friday afternoon.
• It sounds like you have a fun day planned, but I’m probably too low-key for all that.
  Would you like to meet me for coffee next week?
• You know, it’s great that you asked me to supervise the 5th grade field trip, but I can’t commit to that. I bet (insert the name of your child) would love it if his/her grandfather could supervise – I’d be happy to ask about that.
• Hmm. I need to think about that. Can I get back to you tomorrow with an answer?
• Sure, I can help with selling raffle tickets at the fundraiser, but I won’t be able to help with ushering, too.
• Yes, I can chair the committee, but I will need someone to handle the between meeting communications.

Here you have examples of ways to turn down invitations and requests, and even a couple ways to say yes, but to limit your participation. If someone persists in bugging you to do something, try repeating your position, maybe rephrasing a little, and still sticking with your original answer. If you know you cannot do it or don’t want to do it, then you have to stand firm.

Always be polite and non-defensive when turning someone down. It’s better for everyone that way. But again, stay firm. Wavering and being non-committal isn’t helpful to anyone involved.

If you suggest that you need to think about it and will get back to the person, don’t forget to follow through. It’s common courtesy. There is a small problem with the whole “can I get back to you” thing by the way – it gives false hope. Don’t use it unless there is truly a possibility that you will be agreeing to the invitation or request.

When you find yourself facing a situation where you just can’t say no, be firm in telling your friend what they can expect. If you hadn’t planned on going to yet another party this month for example, be clear that you’ll show up, but you will only stick around for an hour or so.

I’ve heard from introverts who don’t receive certain invitations anymore because their friends and co-workers have figured out that they will always get a no answer. This works fine if you want it that way – for people to simply stop asking. I’ve found that people still ask me to do things, but they know that I won’t be shy about saying no if I need to.

It’s important to know that this is not going to solve everything, although it will empower you to take better control of your own life. There will still be those who think you’re a loser because you don’t want to do what they’re doing. There are still going to be those that get upset and take it personally when you turn down an invitation. There’s nothing you can do about that.

For anyone who regularly overextends themselves and then regrets it, or for introverts who have figured out that it’s OK to protect their private time and their preferences for socializing and helping out in a more subdued or behind the scenes way, being able to say no and mean it is a valuable skill.

What are your suggestions for saying no?

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