What Makes Someone Introverted: Back to Basics
photo: dcfdelacruz
The last couple posts have created a small brew ha ha about just how many of us (introverts, that is) there are. It’s been rather fun and really interesting to see what others have to say about this topic. But yesterday, it came to me that it just doesn’t matter. There could be 99 introverts for every 100 people roaming the planet right at this moment, and yet, right at this moment, we’re still dealing with feelings of alienation, being misunderstood and misjudged, superiority (oh, yes, there’s some of that!), and pleasure that we belong to what we consider to be a somewhat elite group. Some of us feel just plain happy to be introverted, because introversion brings with it some cool stuff. Others feel just plain miserable to be introverted because they can’t figure out what to do with it and why they aren’t like extroverted people (who whether they’re in the majority or minority, are just more “out there”). But the numbers don’t matter, unless you’re studying the evolution of personality or psychology or cultures. Here, we’re studying how to be happy introverts.
Let’s go back to basics. What makes us introverts? Not the genetic stuff, or the way we we’re raised, but the characteristics that are common for introverts. Here they are (feel free to add to the list if I’ve missed any):
- We don’t talk as much as extroverts unless we’ve had too much caffeine, booze or someone gets us going on something that is really important to us.
- We don’t share much personal information except with those we feel really comfortable with.
- We’re territorial.
- We communicate in a more precise and sometimes slower manner. We’re not known for shooting from the hip.
- We really, truly dislike it when someone invades our personal space without our permission.
- We love to think. Thinking and planning and figuring out and creating is wonderful!
- We like to observe the action before joining in – if the action is deemed unnecessary, not fun or ridiculous, we may completely refuse to join in.
- Conversations about nothing irritate us.
- We love to spend time alone (and plenty of it). In fact, we need to spend time alone.
- Many introverts are averse to loud noises. Contrary to that, I sometimes play my favorite CDs at a very high volume in my car, or when I’m working, but not often. I love peace and quiet above all else.
- We don’t get the whole idea of having to have people around us in order to be happy.
- We’re not antisocial – it’s just that we don’t enjoy socializing as much as most extroverts do.
- We’re not necessarily shy.
- We are supremely able to self-entertain. This is demonstrated from infancy in introverts.
- We don’t need others to help entertain us.
- We have fewer friends than most extroverts, and we’re happy with that situation – it’s normal for us. We may still have a wide circle of acquaintances.
- Socializing, being in crowds, and participating in group activities wears us out – we don’t get energy from these situations. We get energy from being alone.
- Most of us don’t want to be complete recluses or hermits – we want love and (some) friends and family in our lives. We understand that part of being human is the need and desire for human contact (just not as much as extroverts need and desire it).
- We tend to focus deeply on a few things rather than spreading ourselves thin.
What can you add to this list?
The new Living Introverted group on Facebook can be found right here.
The book release has been pushed back a few days – I’m still looking at the first week in March.
Thanks for reading!
Love your list. Getting ready for an extroverting day with a speaking engagement and networking event.
Two years ago, I created An Introvert’s Communiqué in the Workplace; something I laminate and sell at approps speaking engagements for introverts to hang in their office or work space. Here’s an adaptation to fit your growing list:
I usually think before I respond or speak so when there’s a brainstorming meeting, notify me in advance or come around a few more times to me.
I prefer to use analysis and thinking rather than bouncing ideas around to come up with solutions.
If I seem unfriendly or quiet it’s because I communicate best one-to-one and listen easily.
I can be very self-confident speaking in front of an audience since a put the prepare in presentations.
I work well with others, especially one-to-one relationships.
I prefer in-depth conversation and find little value in chitchat.
I’m not a party pooper I just need time alone to reenergize and recharge.
If you think I come across intense it because of my strong ability to focus and concentrate.
Time and space to myself is energizing.
I am self-reflective, even around others.
I prefer a thoughtful, creative approach to changes.
Looking forward to your book release Lee Anne.
@Patricia – Thanks for sharing your list – it’s excellent!
To paraphrase one of your points, “If you think I come across intense, it’s because I am!”
Introverts have:
A subtle, understated manner.
Good confidants and advisors: won’t give away your secrets and bring good insights.
Full of surprises
Mysterious
@Morpheus – Nice. Good additions to the list. My favorite is the subtle, understated manner. So true. Thanks!
The item “we like to observe the action before joining in”, reminds me of the first grade. I had never played kickball before and I stood on the sidelines for several days and watched the kids and teacher play. No one tried to pressure me to join, although the teacher occasionally asked me if I wanted to play. When I had figured out the game and decided it looked fun, I joined in.
I know sometimes it is hard when people see us introverts sitting on the sidelines not to “help” (i.e. force) us to join in because they assume we want to participate but are too shy. I’m grateful my 1st grade teacher let me watch as long as I wanted and join in when I felt ready.
Everything on this list describes me perfectly. I might add that introverts seem subdued, our enthusiasm for things is not usually expressed outwardly. This may be just another way of saying we have a “subtle, understated manner” as Morpheus, poetically, said.
@April – Wow! What a great teacher you had! He or she was very wise to allow you to join when you were ready. It’s true – we tend to hold our enthusiasm to a dull whisper. So subdued, or subtle and understated – yes, that’s us.
@ April-I relate with you on the “observe before joining” thing. In fact, I’ve decided to join this blog after one week of observation. I’m glad your teacher let you be yourself; that’s very important especially when you’re young. I think learning to love your introversion begins at a young age. If adults show kids that it’s okay to be yourself, “extro” or “intro,” it makes all the difference. Thanks for the compliment by the way! =^_^=
I enjoy being introverted; there’s absolutely nothing wrong or weird about it! It is what it is. I like to think of my introversion as a superpower because as Lee Ann said in her post, it brings some awesome abilities. Keep up the good work, Lee Ann!
Hi Lee Ann – I was also thinking that because introverts love to think and observe some typical introvert talents are “insight” and “perception.”
@Amanda – How could I have missed those? Insight and perception are two great introvert gifts! Thanks!
@ Lee Ann-What about ‘actions speak louder than words?’ Introverts tend to just do something instead of bragging about it…but after they reflected on it first.
@Morpheus – You bet! In fact, sometimes we actually need to brag (well, maybe not brag, but you know) about what we’ve done. It’s hard for most of us to do that, but there are situations where it’s good to draw attention to something positive that we’ve done.
I don’t have anything to add, but wanted to just let you know how important articles like these are and how good it makes me feel. Just a word can spark something, that aha- that’s-me moment. this time it was “territorial”, reminding me of many situations at home where I have behaved strange and stupid in other peoples eyes… wanting to keep “my secrets” and “protecting my nest”… thanks!
@iHanna – Thank you for your comment. It encourages me when people let me know that I have helped in some way and makes me want to continue.
That’s very true about public speaking. People always expect introverts to have “stage fright” and I find many of us do not. In a structured situation where we have time to prepare, we often do very well with public speaking. I actually find I enjoy it, though I could not do it every day.
Laura – I also enjoy public speaking – but I wouldn’t want to do it for a living!
This post is dead on target.
@Change – Thanks! Good to have you here.
I and several other introverts I know love to spend time alone in coffee houses. I actually love other people, in general, and love to be around people to observe and feel their energy without having to engage with them. It’s not that introverts don’t like being around other people, necessarily – it’s the engaging and talking with others that we find draining, I think. Perhaps this is explained by my other preferences, like for N (intutition) and F (feeling). Any comments?
@ Adele – Yes, introverts truly do love people. It’s not that we’re misanthropes. It’s that we don’t like having our energy drained by constant interactions.
And actually, I am quite certain that there are those of us that in spite of loving our fellow humans, really don’t like being around other people all that much. I am one of them, and off the top of my head I can think of others like me. I often find it draining to be near other humans even if I’m not interacting directly with them.
You’re correct in saying that the other preferences – N/S, T/F, J/P have a lot to do with how introverts feel about this.
Thanks for your comment!
I have wondered for most of my life what is wrong with me I think finding this website is going to help me immensly great insight plan on being here alot more!
Brouhaha
Sorry, I’m an introvert AND a pedant.
Aw, I’m sure you’ll get past the brew ha ha thing. I never professed to be perfect, and I certainly would not profess to be a pedant.
Love your list – I agree with every point.
One aspect of life that really bugs me is the attitudes of taxi drivers and hairdressers.
Today I had to cancel my account with a local taxi firm who had been driving me to and from work everyday for the past month. This was supposed to carry on for two more months but today I had had enough, went into their offices and told them I was cancelling my account.
The reason? Because if I pay someone to drive me somewhere I do not expect them to subject me to a daily interrogation on why I am going there, how often I do it, where I am from, what I do for a living, where I am going for my vacation etc. Nor do I wish to discuss the results of some football game that I did not watch or the driver’s right wing talk-radio fuelled opinions.
I am sorry that taxi drivers as a group seem to be extroverts who get lonely very easily, are embarassed by silence and since they seem to have no internal monologue of their own, fail to appreciate that every time they speak they are interrupting mine.
On my way to work I have many things I wish to plan and think about – I do not want empty meaningless idle chatter from the person who is supposed simply to be driving me there.
The same goes for hairdressers. I just get so annoyed by the presumption these people make that what they want to talk about is bound to be more interesting than what I am trying to think about. It isnt – it never is. Why dont you all just SHUT THE F**K UP!?
I like this list.
happy to find this post.i also started working on me thinking something is really wrong with me……..
yesterday night party was really draining thing for me……..in fact it was jus not party.. a get-together started from saturday morning and finished on sunday night. i was so irritated at the end that i didnt say even bye to anybody before leaving….
its coz of my husband i need to join the useless blabber at parties…and after coming back he juzz questions me… like whts wrong with you? why cant u enjoy like rest of the folks…….but NOW i came to know …….. there is nothing wrong ……..!!!!:-)
I’ve only recently started reading up more about introverts and have really gained a lot by doing so. It’s lists like these — along with the comments, that reassure me I’m not alone. All of my family members, friends, co-workers, and housemates are extroverts, and although most of them have been able to understand how important my space is to me, for others I can still be misread as “uptight”, “anti-social”, and “weird”. Thanks for this website!