Online Social Networking and Introverts – Can it Work?
photo: Visualdensity
It’s no secret that introverts don’t always get a great deal of satisfaction from socializing. And networking is a word that makes plenty of us cringe. Put those things together and you have something called social networking. Add the Internet, and you’ve either got something really good or really annoying, depending on which introvert you talk to.
A relatively new phenomenon, online social networking sprung up in the mid-nineties, and has exploded over the last five or so years with the advent of MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and other sites that boast millions of user accounts. People of all ages from the world over have flocked to the Internet to join the networking boom. So, what’s the story with introverts? Should we be social networking? Are we social networking?
I don’t think that we as a group of introverts are sticking together on this one – not that there’s a problem with that. From what I can tell, and I’ll admit, I’ve not done a ton of research on this, some of us are enjoying social networking very much, some are treating it as a necessary evil, some are feeling cautiously hopeful and some are shunning it completely.
For many of us the idea of connecting with others via the Internet is quite attractive because the commitment isn’t the same when you make a connection on the Internet, as it might be if you make a new friend at work. The expectations seem lower. After all, you probably won’t be pressured to join your new Facebook friends for their birthdays or brunch on Sundays. But for many introverts, the idea of connecting with people both close-by and in far-flung places just for the sake of adding another name to your list of “friends” makes little sense.
I think that social networking can be rewarding for introverts in these ways:
- You can keep in touch with friends and family that you don’t see often.
- You can use social networking for making valuable business connections.
- You can connect with people who share common interests.
What are the problems with social networking?
- On line, as in “real” life, it can seem superfluous and silly.
- It can become another distraction – another thing to tend to (taxing your time and energy resources).
If you’re already doing the social networking thing, but feeling unsure of just how worthy it is of your time, or if you’re considering joining a social networking site, but you just can’t decide if you really want to, think about the following questions and points:
What is your reason for social networking? Are you doing this for the sake of making business connections? Are you interested in keeping up with a few people that are living hither and yon? Are you thinking it will be fun to see whom you will meet? All of these can be accomplished through social networking on the Internet.
What is expected of you in the social networking situations you’re involved in? How much are you going to be expected to participate? Are the people in your networking circle going to take offense if you disappear for a while, or don’t check in every day (or every week)? How much time are you willing to spend? What are your expectations of others? Social networking can be something like socializing in real life. People will send you messages and blurbs. They will ask you questions, or comment on a photo you’ve posted, or try to send you a virtual “gift”. Some will be offended if you don’t respond. Others won’t notice. But most will have some sort of expectations of you.
Remember that you’re in control of how much and how often you spend time on the Internet socializing and networking – just like in real life. You aren’t obligated to anything beyond what you’re willing to commit. But as in real life, others may be disappointed in your lack of desire to spend as much time socializing as they do.
Another thing that can be annoying for an introvert (and probably some extroverts, too) is that you will get “friend” or “follow” invitations that you might not want to say yes to. I have a Facebook account. I do not say yes to every friend request I get. This might seem rude. For me it’s realistic. I accept the friends that I figure I’ll keep in touch with at least on a minimal level. I don’t accept other requests from people that I have nothing in common with. I don’t feel that I have the time or energy to put into collecting names and then feeling guilty about never communicating with most of the people on my list.
Social networking can provide some definite benefits. As I mentioned earlier, it can be great for making business connections, but you have to commit yourself to participating. It’s also very nice for keeping in touch with family and old friends and connecting with those that you share an interest with.
You can treat social networking online the same way you treat socializing in your day-to-day life. It’s acceptable to pick and choose the people you “hang out” with. And you don’t have to spend time on it every day. If it becomes overwhelming or bothersome, you can back off until you feel ready to join in again.
The bottom line is this. For some of us, social networking is an easier, somewhat less pressure-filled way to keep in touch and to network. If it works for you, then do it. You control the amount of time you spend and the amount of people you connect with. And, you can always back out of it, or narrow it down to a more comfortable level. When you start feeling pressured and resentful of it – that’s when it’s time to take a break and just walk away for a while.
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Thanks for reading!
Hi Lee Ann,
I will be interested in seeing the comments from others. Other than a little blogging, I am as unconnected as a person can be. If I could just get rid of the cell phone!
I think social networking sites can be a great thing for many providing they are used in moderation. I know a few people who maintain five or six IM engines, twitter and the like all day long while they are working and I know I would be exhausted from all the interaction.
Thanks for all the interesting topics.
Namaste,
Roger
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate this website. This a website on “me”, so I’m feeling quite special
Thank you for all the information. By Nature I have always been an Introvert. Fear of rejection, self criticism, failures, disappointments, education,bad influences, and many other events can contribute to a persons character. Social media marketing is the one of many ways to come out of the cocoon and be a butterfly of love.
#Tireponyman ; Follow me and share the LOVE and THE WORD.
@Roger – I have to admit that social networking can be a burden for me. I have limited myself to Facebook and Twitter. I have a short list of “friends” on Facebook, plus the Living Introverted group (we’re all pretty quiet, so it’s fine), and I might, do one or two updates per day on Twitter. By most accounts, I’m probably a lousy social networker! Oh well. As for the cell phone – my voice mail gets a lot of use.
@TaM – Awesome! That makes me feel special that this blog makes you feel special! Thanks!
@Cecil – I agree with you that life’s experiences can influence how a personality trait develops.
Introversion/extroversion has a strong genetic link, and neither are good nor bad. But it’s true that as we go through life, situations and experiences can add “their own two cents” to overall result. I’m glad that the Internet is proving useful to you!
By the way, I checked out your website – the pony swings are utterly cool! Great fun for a kid I would imagine!
I like Facebook. It’s helped me keep in touch with quite a few people. My introversion (or maybe it’s shyness, not sure) ensures I will never call anybody unless I am absolutely sure they will be happy to speak to me and I have a really good reason to ask for their time. This means I don’t often call “just to chat” and thus I fall out of touch with people. Facebook lets me have casual contact with people without feeling like every interaction has to be very meaningful. I know they won’t think it’s weird if I send them a virtual plant, and I don’t have to feel embarrassed if they don’t accept it.
I finally got up the courage to join Facebook and I was pretty excited about it at first. Here was a chance to have a conversation where I could take hours or days to contribute my part. I was looking forward to witty jokes and hilarious banter, but I was quickly disappointed. I posted some things to friends’ walls and got NO response. Then, I agonized for days wondering if I had offended them. Had I said the wrong thing? Was I not following the proper fb protocol? I realized that there are benefits to being able to see a person’s expression and hear her tone of voice when having a conversation. Then, there are those “bucket” lists that people send out. While I might answer those questions for the friend that sent it, I don’t want to post a list of personal information for anyone to see.
I have always studied other people’s social interactions so that I could try to “fit in”, since socializing did not come natural to me. I just realized that is what I am doing with FB. I guess it would be better for me to use FB on my terms instead of trying to “fit in.”
The nice thing about this online social networking is that you get out of it what you put into it. So introverts and extroverts can both enjoy it on different levels.
The important thing is that you be yourself with these sites so I agree with April who says “I guess it would be better for me to use FB on my terms instead of trying to “fit in.””
@Laura – Yes. I enjoy the fact that at least for many users, Facebook is a pretty “casual” place to interact. It’s much easier for me to write a quick blurb on someone’s wall to let them know I’m thinking about them, than to pick up the phone.
@April – As far as I can tell, your experiences are common. I’ve written on people’s wall and gotten nothing, but I’ve also failed to respond to others as well. My big problem is in responding to the applications where I’m invited to send/receive gifts or hugs or what-not. I stopped doing that after I loaded my third of fourth application. You’re right when you say that it would be better to use it on your own terms.
@John – I agree on both points – absolutely!
I tried the online networking thing with Myspace and Facebook. I think Facebook is much better because it has more structure. You don’t have to do all of the page decorations or punch in weird codes that you won’t be able to remember. I also like the fact that they don’t allow just anyone to act silly on the site. That definitely turns me off whenever I’m networking with someone.
To be honest, I didn’t make a FB page voluntarily. I had to do it for my English class. It was awkward at first, but in the end, I was still able to stay in touch with my old classmates. Also, I got to be in Lee-Ann’s group so that was nice. =^-^=
I was recently dragged onto Facebook by a dear friend from college and it seemed like a good way to keep in touch at the time. After a few weeks, though, it’s wearing thin. There’s just too much information, and very little of it is meaningful. It’s not directed to me, it’s random, and I find all of that kind of information obscures the things I really would like to know about/read about my friends. A few of my dd’s friends “friended” me so they could send pictures and now I’ve got all of their posts to friends I don’t even know cluttering up my page, and then today someone IMed me! Ack! While I adore the person who was IMing, I HATE, DESPISE, DETEST, LOATHE instant messaging itself. It’s intrusive and makes me totally panic every time one pops up on my computer- yech. (Plus, in my limited IM experience, it always pops up when I have to get off the computer anyway.) I’m not much of a phone person, either; my favorite communication tool is e-mail or my blog. I can communicate with people on my own terms that way, replying when I have time and can respond thoughtfully. I am such an INTROVERT!
@Morpheus – I like Facebook compared to MySpace too, although I’ve grown tired of all the invitations to “do” things like give hugs, and my friend list is small. I know people who have a friends list in the hundreds. Mine stands at about twenty.
@Kim – Oh, I don’t do IM at all – I know exactly how you feel! You may have already figured this out, but I’ll tell you anyway. Go to the lower right corner of your Facebook profile screen and click on the little person – it’s the chat icon. On the pop up, you’ll see a thing that says You Are Online, and then, Go Offline. Click on Go Offline. It will make it look like you’re offline, even when you’re online.
Lee Ann, I am on Facebook and a girl I went to highschool with added me as a friend and I accepted it. I did not really want to, because I did not know her that well in Highschool and have not spoken to her in 20 years. I just deleted her from my friend list and it says it does not send them a message. SO if you add someone as a friend out of guilt you can delete them and it will not send them a notice.
@Chris – Yes. That’s correct. I did this same thing with several people from high school. The person you deleted will only find out if she tries to send you one of those things – like a hug or a flower or a snowman or a tree or god knows what else – there’s so much stuff one can send on facebook. She then will have the option of sending you a message.
This actually happened to me. I deleted one old friend from high school because she and I just weren’t communicating at all on facebook and she sent me a little message. I explained why I deleted her and re-added her. We communicate a little now – so to me it’s fine. She was a pretty good friend way back when. But the other people that I deleted – I hardly knew them in school and I don’t think they’ve noticed.
Bottom line – your facebook account is yours to use as you wish. You’re not obligated in any way to anyone. Guilt is a waste of energy when it comes to a situation like this – don’t feel guilty about it.
Hope this helps.
Amazing. Just today, a female co-worker was telling me that it was weird for me, a twenty-something, didn’t have a facebook. I just really didn’t see the point in having one. I tried a myspace years ago and it just sat there…never being updated. I have a hard enough time making friends in real life.
As for an earlier comment; my email is too my favorite form of communication. My cellphone is just good for telling me what time it is!
@ Mike – I do have a Facebook account that I manage to keep somewhat maintained. There is also a Living Introverted Facebook group – we’re pretty quite there, but we’re there.
Email is also my favored for of communication. I hate to hear the phone ring…
Interesting article. I’m a strong introvert and work in a field where I need to stay abreast of the latest in technology, especially as it applies or could apply to adult learning. Personally I have no desire at all to join a social network (online or offline), but for my work feel I must at least try them out. I started both a Facebook and a Twitter accont but gave them up. Although I have no problem learning the technology part, and actually find that fun, I have no way to test the socializing opportunities since that goes against my nature.
I found this site because I’ve been trying to research how social networking might appeal to or repel introverts. From my own experience, I feel that an instructor who requires social networking in their class needs to be sensitive to the small percentage of people (introverts or others) who have no desire to participate in this type of activity. It is not a choice we can make, it is our nature that dictates our ability to effectively participate or not. Just my 2 cents.
Out of curiosity I tried a couple of things like Facebook and Twitter, I just didn’t keep it up. I did the adding and then deleting friend thing aswell, So this social networking, it just isn’t my thing, I find it tiring and unneccessary to me.
I only just manage to check my e-mail, I can go days without even doing that, but an e-mail or text message is basically ok.
I actually still like to write hand written letters and receive them. I do this with my family from overseas. We do have modern technology but I think we are a bit old fashioned in still liking to put a pen to paper and writing a letter and enclosing photographs.
I have also tried several social networking groups. I have a Facebook account that I’m on maybe once a week, sometimes twice. It’s ok. I’m not into any of the games being played, though – no time and no real interest. I do really enjoy Flickr – a photosharing site thru Yahoo – and have made some “cyberfriends” on that. It’s a great site if you’re interested in digital photography and art. I’m learning things from acquaintances and trying new ways of expressing myself from things I see on Flickr. Like naturerules, I don’t check my home email everyday – every few days, yes – because there’s so much in there! and I don’t have time to read it all. Over time, I’m learning not to sign up for e-newsletters and rather to find blogs I like (like this one) and check them periodically. I do love email for communicating, much better than the old-fashioned pen-and-paper way, because I can change my mind, add things, delete things, and have it still look nice; plus, my handwriting is not as good as it was when I was younger – I can type far faster and keep up easier with my thoughts as they come tumbling out! I agree that online social networking has its place but is not for everybody. In general, I like a lot of the rest of us introverts find the anonymity of the internet comforting and much easier to deal with than face-to-face socializing at times.
I tried Facebook for a while to try and make some friends but I gave it up. I just couldn’t see the point of it. My Facebook ‘friends’ had so many other contacts (one had over 300)they didn’t have time to talk to me anyway
It may be a way of chatting to people but after you have logged out, well, they’re not really there are they? They’re only inside the computer. Unless they are people you actually see in real life. It’s no substitute for a few good friends who you can spend time with enjoying leisure activities.
(Following on from my previous comment)
Supposing that those good friends who would accompany me on outings and put up with my quietness actually existed.
Another thing about Facebook is it promotes extroversion in society and the workplace and is attaching even more stigma to being a quiet person. I was recently asked at a job interview if I was on Facebook and if I used social networking sites! When I said I didn’t they asked ‘Well what do you do all day?! (I didn’t get the job)
OMG! Anna, I can’t believe they asked such a question at an interview! For one thing, that is technically not a BFOQ, and for another, if that’s their attitude, you probably wouldn’t fit into that organization anyway! I know how tough it is to get a job these days, but one still has to be wary. I wonder if they asked if you were on Facebook so they could see if you’d said anything “questionable”? Employers are doing that to rule in and rule out people. I’m on Facebook (not frequently), but my basic rule of thumb with social networking sites is to say nothing on there that I don’t care if the whole world knows!
I find that social networking is actually very unhealthy for me. I tend to isolate myself, and this enables me to do so even more. While I “connect” with others, there is a complete lack of intimacy which we as humans all need.
This is in regards to face book. Introvert, on one hand I am on the other I’m not. That is just not my opinion. Unhealthy for me, yes and no. Lack of intimacy, definitely but then I think that existed before social networking and feel that is something most people desire but feel is lacking. On the healthy side I enjoy the little tidbits of information regarding the lives of people I know. heading into the unhealthy I do contribute from time to time but feel when it gets right down to it, does anyone really care? Read on…I’m careful to the max in sending out friend invitations, no one likes rejection and this includes me. Lets say this a former neighbor of 20 years, a childhood family friend of whom I see every two or three years and I am “friends” with her sister. A church friend of twenty years. Our two families socialized in the past over the years but we fell out of touch over the last few years. All these people rejected my friendship invitation and I have been recently unfriended by a longtime former work associate. I really wonder if the good outweighs the bad and it can make you think no one gives a damn. Behind every rejection is a person who is hurt and damaged. But meanwhile go right ahead and non-nonchalantly reject and un-friend people. After all they won’t notice and eventually they will get over it.