Can Being Introverted Hurt Your Relationships?
photo: leochi
Introverts and extroverts alike have wondered from time to time if a person’s introverted personality can cause a relationship to fail. It’s never the other way around – will an extrovert’s personality hurt a relationship – it’s always the introvert’s personality.
I suppose that the assumption is that because we’re the ones who are different (I know – we could get into a whole long conversation again about majorities and minorities and who it is that is really different, but let’s not), it’s going to be our weird personality, penchant for territoriality, need for alone time, lack of desire to talk much and aversion to dealing with too many people at one time that screws things up.
My husband and I had a terrible time the first four or so years of our relationship because he couldn’t understand why I refused to do some of the things he loved (like being ridiculously social). But it was me that was the strange one, not him. Fortunately, we got past all of that when I finally shoved Marti Olsen Laney’s book, The Introvert Advantage in front of him. He still teases me that I don’t like people.
So, can introversion hurt a relationship? Well, the answer is no. But ignorance can (note that I’m using the word ignorance here – which means a lack of knowledge – I’m not calling anyone stupid).
When an introvert enters a relationship with anyone, whether it’s a friendship, dating, marriage, work relationship or anything else, if the other person or people in the relationship don’t understand what being introverted is about (or if the introvert doesn’t understand what being introverted is about), trouble is a good possibility.
For some introverts, the answer has been to act like an extrovert in order to keep the peace and not invite questions or criticism. For other introverts, the answer has been to assert themselves and try to explain what being introverted means and what that person needs in terms of personal space, privacy and time alone. Sometimes this assertiveness is met with resistance and sometimes it’s met with open arms and an “Aha!”
The keys to keeping introversion from hurting your relationships (and remember, I’m really talking about people’s ignorance of introversion, not the introversion itself) are knowledge, communication, understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle.
Hmmm. Communication, knowledge, understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle are keys to any good relationship – no matter what personality types are involved.
Thanks for reading!
I have been married twice. One to a true introvert and another who seemed to be an extrovert.
The first one never seemed to want any company, the second one always wanted to have “gatherings.” We even used that word for whenever anyone came over.
I like gatherings, but like people to go home at a decent hour. He could talk for hours and then still go out to a diner at midnight.
Yes, you hit it dead on. Each person has to let the other know what really works for them. Then it comes down to compromise, what you call “a willingness to meet in the middle.”
This post brings up so many issues for me! My DH was always the last to leave any party, and he liked going to parties, when we were dating. He hung out with friends, he played on sports teams then went out with the guys after the games, he went to lunch with guys from work, and was very social but it has gradually tapered off. Now he plays one sport once a week and comes home shortly after the game. He doesn’t like parties and he doesn’t go out with the guys. He’s also, I’m proud to say, stopped drinking, which has contributed to his change from an extrovert to an introvert. He’s definitely different socially from the time we were dating and newlyweds, but since I’m quite the introvert myself I’m mostly fine with it. I do have some social needs, though, so there are times when I find it frustrating that he’s more introverted than I am!! It makes me feel some sympathy for those extroverts (like my 17 yo niece who is living with us) who want to go, go, go and be around people all the time but find themselves living with introverts. (Or, in my niece’s case, a whole family of introverts! Oh, the horror!)
@Judith – My husband is much more interested in “gatherings” than I am as well. And he used to be the one who wanted to stay out visiting for hours and hours or have people here for hours and hours! Now we compromise. Thanks for your comment!
@Kim – That’s really interesting about your husband. Do you think he was an introvert who acted extroverted (which can be magnified a lot by alcohol), and once he gave up drinking, his true nature came out?
My husband quit drinking a few years back, too and while he’s still very extroverted, he’s calmed down quite a bit.
A whole family of introverts is rare! How lucky, except for your poor niece! Thanks for the comment!
My introversion has definitely hurt my relationships. Usually, I kept my thoughts and emotions to myself, especially when I was upset. Just like Lee-Ann said in her territorial article, that was how I protected my energy. Another reason was because I did not spend as much time with them as they wanted; I chose to stay home and relax. Sometimes, that was the only kind of recharging time I could have without a random stranger questioning me about it.
While it hurt my relationships, my introversion has also helped them. For instance, I was a reliable ‘agony aunt.’ I would listen to their thoughts and if they wanted, give them my insights. Also, because I liked to observe my environment thoroughly, I helped them notice small details about someone or their environment(sorry for bragging!
). Also, if they needed space or wanted their privacy, I wouldn’t get mad and hang up in their face, I would understand. I apologize if I sound boastful! 
Has any of you noticed the good things your introversion brought to your relationships?
While I don’t think my introversion has affected my relationships with boyfriends or my husband (he is an introvert), it has affected my relationship with friends. If a friend called to invite me to come over or go out and I was in “recovery” mode I would usually decline. I noticed the more often I said “no” the less invitations I got.
“Communication, knowledge, understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle are keys to any good relationship.” I totally agree.
As I learn about my introversion, I know that this is something to talk about upfront with new acquaintances etc.
I do have a question: what would the resistance look like?, as you mentioned in your article and what does a person do about it?
Hi Lee Ann:
Yes, I think he was a closet introvert all along, the drinking just hid it. I’m happy that wasn’t a trait that was a “deal breaker” for us! I’ll take him either way. I have to admit I found staying at the parties we attended together when we were younger to be extremely draining, and he always had to be one of the last ones to leave. I would enjoy the first hour or so, but then I’d want to go. I’ve always enjoyed socializing in small doses; he wanted to stay until the cows came home. Now it takes dynamite to get him to go to a party, so I can’t get my hour or two anymore. He’s so all or nothing; there’s no happy medium. Sigh…
Neal, for me the resistance has come in several forms. Some people just get snippy and declare to me that “well you just have to deal with the world the way it is and learn to be sociable” – others just ignore boundaries and accuse me of being rude for setting them – still others will tell me “oh, you’re not an introvert” as if being an introvert is a bad thing or a disease – and others say that they refuse to put labels on people and don’t even believe in the concept of introversion vs. extraversion.
I have few true friends who understand me, accept me the way I am and don’t try to push me for more than I have to give. Those who push soon find themselves getting nothing from me at all, as I withdraw in self defense.
@ Hermit Loner-I recognize your name now. Aren’t you also a member of introvertZ.com? Your articles are very straightforward. I especially like the one you wrote about territoriality.
@Morpheus – You don’t sound boastful – you’re making a good point. Being introverted can have a very good effect on relationships. Our ability to reasonably and calmly interact, take in the facts before flying off the handle, and act as a stabilizer is great for relationships!
@April – I’ve lost friends like that. But they were the kind that simply didn’t want to accept that I am not the type to always be going out and doing this and that. It’s all part of the game, I guess. The friends I have now are more than willing to be understanding if I turn down an invitation and will ask again later. It can be disappointing when friends stop asking. So it all becomes a balancing act.
@Neal – I have to go along with what Hermit Loner says. Some people either ignore what you’re trying to tell them, or they treat being introverted as some sort of disease that needs to be cured.
What do you do about it? You let them know what you know to be true about yourself. If they continue to give you a hard time about it, you either continue to assert yourself (and your needs) and your introversion as a valid personality trait or you cut them loose (this isn’t so easy with a spouse or family member). I know that’s harsh. Your other option is to fake being an extrovert and exhaust yourself. It’s sad that it sometimes gets to the point where you might feel you have to dump a friend, but it comes down to doing what’s right for you or what’s right for them.
@Kim – Can you get out once in a while by yourself with a friend or two – just to keep your own balance?
@Hermit Loner – I agree with you on this.
Thanks to everyone for the great comments and questions!
@Morpheus – yes, that’s me, thank you for the kind words!
Yes, I’m getting good at that! I’ve made my own friends through the “mommy network” and I’m content. It was a bummer, though, when I bought a dress for his company Christmas party, made arrangements for the sitter, and THEN he decides to tell me he didn’t RSVP. Sheese!
@Kim – Oh, that’s too bad! I would’ve been disappointed, too. Just remember to pay attention to getting the right combination of social time/down time for you, so that you’re feeling in balance and satisfied.
I hope you all don’t mind – I want to gloat just a little. My relationship has been incredible for me as an introvert. I’m an introvert, he is an introvert – and his okay-ness with being introverted is helping me with mine.
Our relationship is really supportive in such a deep way – he can, indirectly, support me in being and accepting who I am. That has been really huge for me.
The rest is the usual relationship drama, probably accentuated by our both being introverts: remembering not to stay cocooned indoors together too much, spending enough time apart, keeping close relationships with others…
@Kriti – I’m sure there is a deep sense of understanding between the two of you. I would think that because you’re both introverts, this happens much more naturally than in an introvert/extrovert relationship. The good news is that is can happen in intro/extro relationships too! Thanks for sharing!
I married an introvert and I am somewhat introverted myself. However, we dated only a short time and he didn’t act introverted. Once I was living at his house, everything changed. When I greet him at the door, he doesn’t smile and shows little, if any, warmth. I get a perfunctory peck and he goes off to read mail, watch tv or something else. I have no problem with a man needing downtime, I need it myself. However, other than whatever interaction there is when I ask about dinner and when we eat, often he is aloof and disengaged. If I go to him and watch tv and initiate affection, he’s often receptive. But I get tired of making overactures and really tired of his sulking and blaming me if I don’t. I’m an introvert, too! The difference is, I know others need engagement and connection with me and so I provide it.
I guess my point of writing this is to query other introverts about what you expect from others. I think my husband has other issues, like low-self-esteem and emotional immaturity that make him interpret my introversion as indications that I don’t want him or that I don’t care. I find this maddening. Can’t he see that he does the same thing to myself and others? He expects others to engage him, reach out to him, connect with him, yet if the same is asked of him, he pulls the “introvert card.”
Introverts: Do you whine, sulk, complain, etc, when your significant other is off doing their own thing and doesn’t come to you for interaction or do you understand because you do the same thing?
@ CD: Greetings, and welcome. I agree with you that your husband might have other issues besides being introverted, particularly that he is fearful of getting his hopes too high and getting hurt by someone. At the same time, I don’t think he knows what being introverted is about(no offense). I don’t like it when people use introversion as an excuse to act a darn fool towards somebody. It gives us a bad name! Yes, introverts (even extroverts) need downtime from being out and about in the world, but just because one introvert gets sulky over one thing doesn’t mean we all will. I understand if someone else needs downtime: they don’t have to tell me twice. They know I need it and I know that of them. However, if they do so in a way that indicates intentional rudeness, then I’m going to have a problem with that.
At least you have one thing you can work with: TV. Since he seems to be more receptive to you then, try watching it with him and casually bring up the subject that’s been bothering you. Hold his hand or show some other subtle gesture to ensure that you aren’t trying to attack him or anything. Generally, introverts believe in the ‘less is more’ motto. Maybe you can show him examples of what you mean on the TV screen. I had to do that once to get someone to understand me. I used the movie Speak featuring Kristen Stewart and Steve Zahn.
Hope things get better in both your lives. Forgive me if my tone was impolite towards you. It wasn’t deliberate.
~Morpheus~
@ CD – I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this problem with your husband. Marriages aren’t easy to begin with and they are harder when one seems to put obstacles in the road.
I would think that the whining, sulking and complaining and then the refusing to interact with you except when you make all the effort has less to do with introversion than with being a bit (or a lot) manipulative – emotional immaturity.
I am not a psychologist, so my opinion here could be worth nothing – just keep that in mind. Get counseling for yourself and see if your husband will agree to come along for couples counseling. If he won’t, do what you can to deal with your own feelings about what is going on productively on your own.
I wish you the best!
@ Morpheus – Thanks for offering help and support to others. You’re an insightful person.
@ Lee-Ann: Thanks, Lee-Ann. And likewise, I find your thoughts to be quite intriguing. It’s good you’re posting again…I missed you.
I recently met a man who likes reminding me that he’s an introvert. We’ve gone away twice in the last month and when together, everything is so perfect. We laugh, talk and have a great time together yet when back in reality and work, he disappears and I won’t hear from him for 2 – 3 days. When together he holds my hand and touches me but when apart it’s almost like I don’t exist. We also never have serious talks about our feelings or our pasts, he also never gives me compliments even when others do. He’ll just pack up and go away without telling me, in a “by the way…” conversation. I asked him 2 days ago what it is he wanted as I’m very confused with his behaviour. He repied that he was not looking for something serious for a very long time in the sense of moving in together etc. He said that he was a “loner” and loved to be by himself. His idea of a relationship with me was not to date other woman but to see me on his “terms”. I told him that it was fine and I respect his feelings but could have been told before things became more serious between us, I would have liked the freedome to decide whether I wanted the same things. He seemed pretty shocked with my reactions probably because I was so calm about it. All I wanted to do was get in my car and run because that’s my natural instinct, to run away. I left basically calling it off and his last words to me was “can I call you to talk about this again during the week”. I did’t shut the door and am giving him the chance to think things through. Where does this leave me, what do I do? Please help? Is it pretending to be happy when with me… then he’s an excellent actor!
@ Macelle – Thanks for sharing your story. I don’t think he’s pretending to be happy when he’s with you. I think it’s possible that he’s extremely introverted and also that he hasn’t yet learned that being in a relationship requires both people to get out of their comfort zone sometimes in order to keep the relationship healthy and happy for both. He may not be ready to get out of his comfort zone.
The other possibility and it’s only a possibility, is that he is going off to spend time with someone else. But while introverts are as capable as leading secret, duplicitous lives as extroverts, he’s probably just taking off to be by himself. Or he has figured out that he can use the introvert excuse to be secretive.
What do your gut and your own instincts tell you about this? Does he display introverted characteristics other than taking off now and then to be alone(be aware that many introverts are good at acting extroverted when they think they need to)? Introverts won’t have a serious talk or share much about themselves until they feel very, very comfortable with someone.
His desire to spend so much time alone is normal for an introverted person. Also the desire to make things happen on one’s own “terms”. But again, in a relationship, the terms have to be agreed upon by both parties, whether introverted or extroverted.
I think you handled this situation brilliantly and I’m sorry you’re hurting and confused. Introverts can be confusing to others.
When you speak again to him, explain to him that while you totally get that introverts need plenty of space and alone time, and that you respect that, you have your own desires for a relationship. If he is willing to meet you in the middle – then that’s great. If he is not, then tell him to give you a call when he’s ready and that if you’re available, you’ll meet him for coffee or lunch. If at that time you’re not available, then it’s his loss.
Don’t let this situation spoil your view of introverts. My best wishes to you.
Thanks Lee Ann.. your advice will help me a great deal as I’ve never been in a relationship with an intorvert before.
I don’t think he’s the type of person to go off spending time with someone else. Yet you never know but I have to trust that he’s being truthful in that sense. His best friend also gave me some background info to try help me understand him and that I either accept him for the way he act or move on. He’s only been in 2 serious relationships and turns 42 next month. 1 marriage and 1 relationship of a few years – both break ups was due to him not being able to “fulfill” his partners needs, he also said that he was so unhappy in those relationship and therefore don’t want to go the serious route.
He is great one on one with me but gets extremely quiet and pretty eager to leave when socialising in a group. He’s always there for others yet does’nt stick around too long for them to get used to him and guess this is exactly what’s happened with us. He runs away and I know I can’t stop him but I also do not want him to lose out on what can be something wonderful.
Hi Lee Ann,
I stumbled upon your blog when I was researching on relationship between an introvert and an extrovert. My boyfriend is an introvert (and me extrovert) and it is amazing to see how what you describe here fits his take and I take on a relationship. (I also read “10 things I love about being an introvert.” – and those 10 things nail pretty much how he is.)
And I cannot agree with you more on “Communication, knowledge, understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle are keys to any good relationship.” We have been together for 3 years now and we are definitely on the journey of “meeting in the middle.” There are a few bumps here and there due to our differences, and those are the times that we are reminded to find ways to work out for each other.
Just wanted to say thanks for sharing all the great insight on being an introvert. I would love to keep on reading your blogs to get a better understanding of the introverted life!
Unfortunately for everyone, introversion conveys indifference. As an extrovert, I have experienced deep loneliness for lack of simple encouragements. Most of the people I love are introverts, so, please don’t read blame, just a lament. Not sure what the answer is. I’ve expressed my need to hear some positive feedback without provocation to little avail. Maybe I don’t merit such extreme effort.
Extrovert,
I’m an introvert married to an extrovert, and I can relate to what you’re saying. The differences do cause A LOT of misunderstanding at times. Though I’ve been married over 20 years, I have only just begun to understand how my quiet nature is sometimes perceived by my husband. He thinks I’m brushing him off when I just don’t see a need to comment on something. So I agree with what you said about conveying indifference, even if it’s not what is intended. I spend so much time in my head that even though I have no doubts about how I feel about him, he often doesn’t see any evidence of my feelings – even though they are very deep. So he begins to feel alienated, when I’m just cruising along thinking everything is fine. And then when he gets upset and voices those feelings, I feel defensive, because, to my mind, I didn’t do anything wrong and I feel misunderstood.
It’s not that you aren’t worth the effort – it’s probably that the introverts around you are just not speaking up, even if they feel appreciative of you. They probably think you already know what you want to hear them say, so they don’t say it. That’s a mistake I sometimes make, and I’m really making an effort tbe more vocal about my feelings about my husband. He needs to hear the words, even if the way I prefer to be appreciated is through actions, not words.
Hi Extrovert,
As an introvert daughter of an introvert father married to an extravert mother, keep this in mind: Look at the nonverbal behaviors we do, too–we introverts don’t tend to see the verbal, as Laura says, as necessary; sometimes, we’re thinking them in our head and assume we’ve said them aloud! You may have to ask us more if you want a comment.
Also, look at our everyday behaviors, things that might be considered “duty” or caretaking: Are we working/helping/cooking/caretaking for the household? Maybe we smile instead of say something. Maybe we’re quietly there, but there nonetheless. If we are indifferent, you’d probably know it, because we would absent ourselves body and mind. My father always said that we could be sure he cared for us and loved us because he went out to work and brought his paycheck home, trying to give us a good life. From this introverted German-American background in which I grew up, caring is by doing, not just saying. I hope this helps!
P.S. We introverts experience loneliness at times, too, because it’s very hard for us to verbalize our feelings and thus connect with others when we want/need to. Some of us do our best “verbalizing” via writing – that’s very true for me. Maybe that can be an option for you–write/email/text little notes? Writing gives us introverts time to think about our responses – and we need that time because we process thought differently than you extraverts. Also, we’re easily overwhelmed by a lot of verbalization and/or noise. We may need space and/or private time, but that only enables us to be better companions/persons around you – it’s not excluding. We need to recharge, just like your cell phone or batteries. It’s nothing personal.
I definitely communicate better in writing. I read part of a message board recently where someone was getting raked over the coals for communicating by email – several people said that “adults” and “mature people” would pick up the phone to discuss important issues and not use email. I was really annoyed by this – I’m just as much an adult as they are, but at least I know that people are not all the same, and different styles of communicating are preferred by different people. I don’t have that superiority complex of, well, I prefer THIS, so there must be something wrong with you if you prefer THAT. Talking on the phone is TORTURE for me. It has caused problems for me, as my extremely extroverted in-laws, especially, think it’s bizarre that I never want to talk on the phone. I just really feel put on the spot and can’t think of what I should have said til I hang up. And as my mother-in-law can talk for HOURS, and my eyes glaze over after about 20 minutes, she thinks I’m cold. Everybody thinks I should be more social, and I think they should just do what they want and leave me at home. They really think “alone” is “lonely”. I’m really trying to be self-aware and understand why I do the things I do, but they just don’t seem to get it. They seem to think introversion is an unnatural aberration, and I need to be fixed. “What can we do to make you more social?” Well, what can I do to make you understand that not everybody is like you? And that that’s okay? It makes me want to scream!!
Sounds like you’re surrounded by a bunch of obnoxious extraverts, Laura! Ditto for that message board. I suggest reading and printing out/emailing all your obnoxious extravert in-laws Lee Ann’s blog on “There is nothing wrong with me.” If they don’t “get it” after that, to he*** with them! Maybe your response could be, “I’m as social as I like to be. What can I do to get you to leave me alone?”
@ Extrovert – It’s true that we do confuse and even upset extroverts because we do tend to come off as indifferent or cold. I’ve often suggested that introverts try to move a little more to the middle when it comes to communication and showing emotion. Out of a spirit of cooperation, not as an admission that there is something fundamentally wrong with being introverted. Humans have to find ways to meet each other on common ground, whether the issue is introversion/extroversion, or political or religious or philosophical differences.
It’s hard to communicate our fears and concerns to others, regardless of our personality type, because we might feel that doing so makes us seem vulnerable or somehow unable to solve a problem. But problems with communication, especially with someone you love and care about have to be solved with both sides working toward a common goal. I hope you’ll be able to help your introverted loved ones find a way to meet you on common ground so that you both can feel fulfilled in your relationships.
As a side note: there may be other emotional issues at play if a person simply cannot or will not show or give positive feedback and reinforcement, and it might not have anything to do with being introverted. Even though we’re pretty reserved, we are also loving, caring and kind.
You’ll find that there is a nice group of introverts here who are quite level-headed and willing to help if you wish to comment again.
@ Laura – For some unknown reason, people seem to put on blinders when it comes to there opinions and ways of behaving, and they expect others to follow along in lockstep.
There are two things we can do: be mindful that we don’t act the same way, and expect people to be like us (I’m not suggesting that you’re doing that at all – it’s just something that we all need to keep in mind – heck, I have caught myself complaining about people who don’t do things “my way”); and keep explaining that it’s really not necessary for everyone to be just like they are, and that you (we, I) really don’t want to be just like they are.
I deal with this perpetually with my mother-in-law, who sincerely feels that I am a flawed person, who is probably a murderous psychotic episode waiting to happen, because I’m not social like she is, and I don’t kiss her rear (I have never kissed anyone’s ass in my life – I’m not going to start now).
You may never get through to your in-laws. Do your best to be the best person you can be in your own eyes.
@ Joana – Thank you for chiming in. Your encouraging words to others who visit are appreciated.
Lee Ann,
You’re so right about sometimes needing to move more to the middle – I get frustrated sometimes and get defensive, but when it comes right down to it, if I want the extroverts in my life to understand me and respect my ways of doing things, it’s only fair that I try to stretch myself and give them what they need sometimes, too. Especially when all it takes at times is being a little more verbally validating to my husband. That’s really not much for him to ask. It is a two way street, and I think we need to remember when saying there’s nothing wrong with us that there’s nothing wrong with them either. We all just need to try to be more enlightened.
(Of course, there do seem to be a lot of people who have no knowledge of personality issues or psychology at all, and who don’t have any interest in those things. It’s harder to get through to people like that, who think more in terms of others simply being obstinate, rather than having a differently wired brain. “You could change if you wanted to, if you loved me, if you weren’t so selfish, etc.”)
I really don’t mind my extroverted in-laws thinking there’s something wrong with me. They’ve accepted that I don’t talk on the phone, and we’re generally on good terms. But I’m going to remember that line, “I’m as social as I want to be.” (Thanks, Joana!)Ultimately, understanding myself is more important than others understanding me.
this is stretching the topic, but i’ve been searching fruitlessly for hours and this is the closest thread i’ve found to the advice i’m seeking on learning to cope with an introvert roommate. sorry it’s long.
i’ve recently moved in with an old friend (i have been living in another state for the last 10 years) at his invitation. he needed a house-sitter/roommate for his home because his job has generally been taking him away 3 weeks per month and he worries about leaving his 4 bedroom house vacant and unmaintained. i am planning a move to france in spring of next year, so it seemed like a great temporary situation for me with someone i like. i myself am a female mild introvert in my early 40’s who has been extremely isolated socially for the last 4months.
i moved in september and spent the first 3 weeks in the house alone. though i made a big effort not to disturb the existing arrangements, he wasn’t here and had left no space for me; the cupboards, closets, and even all the bedrooms were filled with furniture. my room is in the basement which also has a tiny bathroom and a sitting area, but no cable, internet, kitchen, or outdoor access. i assumed we would share the communal areas (kitchen, living, dining) and made the mistake of using those areas for about 1-2 hours a day in the first week or two he was here. i started sensing a very irritated vibe from him, but couldn’t figure out what was wrong. he never said hello or goodbye, refused any invitation i offered (meals,dvd,etc), and generally acted irritated or interrupted whenever i asked him a question(practical things like garbage days, where to put things, ect).
my feelings were hurt and i started to withdraw into the basement. to his credit, after about 6 weeks, he did hook up a wireless internet box so i can use my laptop downstairs, and hooked up an extra basic cable box he had, but this seems only fair as i am paying rent and 1/2 of all the bills (including his tivo which isn’t wired downstairs). 4 or 5 days would go by without our speaking to each other. silence and quiet are fine with me, but this quiet is tense and feels almost faintly hostile…
last time he left for 2 months and scheduled a kitchen remodel during his absence (which he had not warned me about before i moved in). for 4.5 weeks i had no stove, no sink except a miniscule bathroom basement sink, no kitchen counter, plastic on the walls and floors, etc. he left me with the responsibility of dealing with the contractor, choosing wall paint color, chosing tiles, and making all many decisions in his absence. i even ended up paying over $1,000 expenses for him (which i don’t mind, he is totally responsible, i just want to show i’m making an effort). i cleaned the entire upstairs (or should i say HIS space) after the work was finished out of necessity. he got home 2 weeks later to a spotless house, paid bills, etc. he didn’t thank me for any of it, just said he was sorry he had figured the work would only be a couple days.
after arriving home last week he said he wanted to decorate the house for xmas, and go get a tree. we went together to buy a tree (our first joint activity of any kind in the 4 months since i came), which i paid for, and then he immediately started complaining that he wanted to go home. so we put the tree in the garage, and i told him that whenever he was ready to decorate to let me know. he ends up “sneaking” the tree out the garage door and around the house (so he doesn’t pass me holed up in the basement), takes it upstairs, and decorates it while i am downstairs on the computer waiting for him to come get me. when i later went up to the kitchen for a drink i see the tree up, the decor finished and he is relaxing on the couch. it’s very clear that my presence upstairs isn’t desired.
now, i’m not a needy person, but i can’t help but take this and the many other incidences very personally and as an indication that he doesn’t want me living in his house. we don’t speak except for a few words every 4-5 days, and i’m living in a dark basement afraid to even cook a regular meal for myself because i feel like i’m disturbing him doing anything upstairs.
so five days ago i told him nicely that i was looking for another place and would be out as soon as i could. he acted suprised and asked why. shocked, i told him it obviously wasn’t working out and cited several examples of why i felt “bad energy”. he didn’t say much, and i went back downstairs. the next morning he came downstairs and said he wanted to apologize. he said he had thought about it all night, he had acted like a jerk, he completely understood how i felt and he was sorry he had hurt my feelings. he said he was just “that way”, and that it had nothing to do with me. THEN he said not only did he want me not to have to move, but that he both wants and needs me to stay as he will be traveling for 2.5 months beginning late january and doesn’t want to leave the house empty.
how do i live in this situation without constantly getting my feelings hurt? i tell myself this is not about me, but long ago we used to be great friends, and i feel like his behavior has not just signaled lack of caring, but actual contempt. though he says otherwise, his behavior makes me feel like i am doing something wrong just by being here. in the days following our “talk” there have been no changes and i have now retreated into my (windowless) room, where i leave only for bathroom trips and to grab something from the fridge. i stay up till 6 am reading so that i can sleep all day while he is up and around… in short, i’m miserable. i have absolutely no support system here, so it’s probably a little more painful than it would be if i could talk to someone who treated me a little more kindly.
all the posts i’ve read only say that roommates need to understand and respect introverts, but do any of you have any specific coping tips or tools i can try? i’d like to make it through the next 4 weeks with him in the house, so any advice is welcome.
Depressed Roomie,
First, I’m very, very glad you intend to follow through with your plans to move out, and I hope you are able to find a great place (with windows and a nice view) soon.
Second, I just woke up, and tend to be very straightforward before the coffee’s fully kicked in, but here goes: This guy is a jerk. Regardless of how great he was as a friend in the past, he’s taking advantage of you now, and he doesn’t care. He just wants a free house sitter. Actually you’re better than free because he’s making you pay rent. Get the hell outta there and don’t look back!
Now moving forward. Anyone would feel depressed and awful about the living situation you’re in. You entered this circumstance reasonably expecting one thing, but you got something quite different and much less satisfactory. Even introverts don’t like feeling as if they are being shunned, or banished. Please, please, please take some time to explore how this happened – your part in it. Not your part in him being a jerk - that’s all him. Your part is not setting some ground rules beforehand, and waiting this long to decide to move, and being as accommodating as you have been. Please don’t think I’m suggesting that you did anything wrong – you tried very hard to be a good roommate, and you gave him the benefit of the doubt – you’re obviously a very kind and responsible person. Now be kind and responsible to yourself and work on understanding what you can do next time, whether its with a roommate, or a friend, or a co-worker, or whomever, to keep from being taken advantage of. There’s a thin line between meeting in the middle and being helpful, and letting someone sit back, while letting you carry them.
While you’re waiting to get out, get out of the house and meet some new people. Make some new friends. You’re in a new city, right? Go to church if you’re inclined. Join a book club, join a gym, volunteer at the hospice, take a college class (semester will be starting in a few weeks), invite a co-worker to lunch. Sure you’re an introvert, get out of that basement anyway. Go to the museum or a movie or the coffee shop. Go find a high school of college or church holiday concert to enjoy. Find a person or two or three to be around that make you smile and laugh or that have something intelligent to say. And for goodness sake, forget about offending your roommate. Don’t purposely do things to bother him (although he seems bothered all the time), but don’t hide away just to avoid him either. Your coping tools right now are going to be to get out and get some sunshine, or overcast cloudiness on your face, and to do things that are (gasp) social. Put on your favorite outfit and head out.
I sure hope this helps. Your number one job is to take care of yourself right now. You know, if you find a new place and it won’t be ready for a couple weeks, get out early and stay in a hotel for a while if you can afford to.
Thanks for commenting, and thanks for pointing out that we need some coping tools for a situation like yours. I’m crossing my fingers that your next home will be a real home, with a kitchen, sunny windows, and room for friends when you feel like it.
@depressed roomie, I had to read your comment a few times before actually making a post of my own. The reason I had to read it a few times is because I can’t believe how selfish your housemate is being toward you. It seems like his main motivbe in having you live in his home is so that you can take care of all of the house hold related issues, while he gets to come back home and enjoy all of the efforts that you have put into the house. He doesn’t seem to care about you as a person, just what you are contributing to his home by taking care of all of the responsibilities. I can’t believe that he went ahead and decorated the christmas tree by himself, after you helped him pick it out and you paid for it, and then asked him to let you know when it was time to decorate it. That just seems very cold on his part. I think in some cases, people who become roommates or apartment mates, or housemates, simply move in together because each person can’t afford to keep up with the expenses of living alone. And in that case, their might not be a lot of social time spent together once everyone moves in, becuase everyone is clear that the living arrangement is just for financial reasons. But in other cases, such as yours, you rightly and reasonably expected that the two of you would socialize sometimes and at least be on speaking terms and that you would be comfortable sharing a living space with this person. I think the fact that you aqssumed one thing, and something else happened, is a glaring message that people need to know what is to be expected of them and what areas of the living space they are free to use, before actually moving in to someone’s home.
Well being an introvert is such a pain…for me..where sometimes it can be hard to express my feeling..where the other partner would conclude or assume it differently…
Lets say that, an introverted guy having a crush with a gurl in class or anywhere they used to meet…(whom the girl is with normal personality)…It seems that the girl had shown keen interest with the guy..by doing wat should be done…but the guy??..not even making a single baby step towards the girl. fear,shyness,awkwardness and everything that is possible would come to the mind of the guy…lol certainly the gurl will lose interest sooner or later…
I would say that most introverts love to have passionate and romantic relationship with their partner…but we just like to imagine about it..no action..lol
I certainly dont have any probs with my friends or even friends of opposite sex…but tend to be very shy and not movin at all when it comes to relationship..
When someone dont know much about me…they would simply say i’m arrogant..and of course it is not their fault..and im just grateful there are a lot of my frens understand me very well…
I do believe that i have some artistic interest..(lol..maybe)..like travelling (alone…hahahaha),litte bit drawing, and musics but will they make anything in relationship.?
Millions of times(or maybe hundreds)..i questioned myself..Why i’m like this?Could i change myself?..Why im not an extroverted guy?…Certainly i dun have the answers…
…lol i dont know y i do wrote this in here…just passing by my time…
…..sorry for my english…