What Introversion is NOT
Introversion gets confused with a lot of things – many of them negative. It’s not only extroverts who get confused – we do it too. The following is information that you can find in my book, but it’s useful to have it here, too.
Introversion is a lot of things to be sure, but it’s not:
Shyness – Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shyness is its own animal and affects both introverts and extroverts alike. In the survey that I conducted, of 117 participants, 45 reported being shy according to the description that follows. That’s 38.5% of the survey respondents. Fifty-five said that they were not shy and 17 said they were not sure. All respondents answered the question.
For the purpose of the survey, I defined shyness as the emotionally painful condition of wanting to interact with others, but being afraid to, or not knowing how to, thus avoiding social situations, where one might have to speak, make eye contact, or otherwise draw attention to oneself.
Introversion is usually confused with being shy because introverts may tend to avoid social situations, especially if they are already feeling drained. The distinction is this: introverts will avoid social situations when we are in need of rejuvenating ourselves, or when we simply don’t want to be bothered with socializing. Shy people avoid social situations because they are afraid of being judged or embarrassed in a social situation. Extroverted shy people may continue to socialize heavily, but will experience a great deal of trepidation and pain in doing so.
Introverts generally do not like frenetic activity and noise, so we do tend to avoid noisy, high-energy situations much of the time. An introvert who is not shy is not afraid of being in social situations. We can meet and greet, chitchat and rub elbows with the best of ‘em when we feel like doing so. But too much socializing wears an introvert down. Eventually we disengage and start to avoid further contact until we can give our brains some rest from all the outside stimulus.
Misanthropy – Misanthropic behavior denotes a hated or mistrust of humankind. Considering that introverts love their families and friends, volunteer to help charities and causes, do nice things for their neighbors and their communities and feel bad when they hear of the misfortunes that beset other humans, we cannot be group-labeled as misanthropes.
Antisocial Behavior – According to mentalhealth.com, “Antisocial Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by persistent disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood. Deceit and manipulation are central features of this disorder.” Sounds sort of like misanthropy to me.
You can see that people who are antisocial are those that are very disruptive to society, often violent, often ending up in prison or worse. I think when people talk about introverts being antisocial, what they mean is that we don’t seem to enjoy socializing. We might be non-social, which to the majority of the population is amazingly ridiculous because after all, who doesn’t enjoy socializing day and night? Well, introverts don’t. It all goes back to too much stimulus and not enough alone time.
Timidity – To be timid means to lack courage or bravery. Consider Mahatma Gandhi, Dwight Eisenhower and Elie Wiesel. These famous and introverted history makers were not timid, and certainly didn’t lack courage. Both introverts and extroverts, famous and not famous, perpetrate brave and courageous acts every day.
A Lack of Self-Confidence – This follows in the same vein as being timid. Introverts tend to keep their own counsel and be pretty private. We don’t say a whole lot and we keep our distance until we feel very, very comfortable with a person or a group. But that does not mean we lack self-confidence.
Confidence has to do with one’s own opinion of one’s abilities. Confidence has to do with the will to try new things. Confidence has to do with how one estimates his or her resources when it comes to working through a problem. Clearly, introverts and extroverts alike can posses a great deal of self-confidence, or very little.
Rudeness – It is easy to see why introverts are sometimes considered rude or aloof. Frequently when we speak, we share our thoughts in a very succinct and straightforward manner. We might skip the sugarcoating that others tend to use, and because of this might seem a bit rude. This is not intentional. We are no more or less rude than the extrovert next door or down the street.
We may also be confused with being rude when we insist on our alone time. When noise and silliness overwhelm us, we back off, and to some that is considered rude, or being aloof and standoffish. The problem with making these assumptions is that they conjure up negative feelings – such as the impression that we are purposely avoiding talking to someone or going to their party because we do not like them or feel superior to them. This is unfair because when an introvert needs distance, it simply means that we need distance.
It’s important to note that any introvert will eventually become impatient with a conversation that drags on needlessly (in our introvert’s estimation). We tend towards having few words, preferring that others have few words as well. While we try to remain polite and accommodating, our minds may wander or we may start to feel desperately like escaping. A smart introvert will hone his or her skills at being conversational when necessary and of course, will always listen politely until he or she can gracefully remove him or herself from a conversation.
Mental Dullness – The idea that an introvert is mentally dull or slow could not be further from the truth. In reality, introverts are a generally highly intelligent and highly creative group. The introvert’s innate ability to concentrate, analyze, solve complex problems, and think deeply, combined with excellent long-term memory and a deep sense of creativity makes us a highly capable group. According to Linda Kreger Silverman, PhD, “About 60% of gifted children are introverted compared with 30% of the general population. Approximately 75% of highly gifted children are introverted.”
Mental Illness – Mental illnesses are biologically based disorders in ways that are similar to diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and any other illness are that can beset any one of us at any time. Mental illness or the predisposition to mental illness does not come with introversion. Some will point out that people with mental illnesses often become withdrawn from society, and this is certainly possible. That withdrawal most likely has much more to do with the symptoms of the illness itself and the stigma that is placed by the uninformed on the mentally ill, than an introverted personality.
If you’d like to find out or remind yourself of what introversion is, click here, and here.
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I read this part in your book. I definitely agree with the mental dullness and the impolite myth. It’s especially hurtful when someone treats me like I’m slow because I don’t talk very much or respond quickly on the dot.
In this society, it’s all about doing. If you don’t show what you got, you’re considered incapable or conniving. That pisses me off! I only show what I have if it’s necessary, not to anyone who will crowd around! Same thing with rudeness. If you’re not smiling, then you’re rude. I find myself trying to react when I don’t find a certain thing funny or sad just so I don’t get called that. In my personal opinion, extroverts might be injustly called rude (some of them), but most of the time, they are just as rude as introverts.
I have often been labeled all those things except for misanthropic and mentally ill. Ironically, those are the two that have actually applied to me at one point or another in my life. I noticed you sort of linked misanthropy and antisocial behavior together. That was not the case with me. When I worked for a particular company, I had almost lost all faith in humanity. I felt I could not trust others at all. However, I did not violate the rights of others. I didn’t try to manipulate people through deceit. I just didn’t want to be violated or manipulated. As for mental illness I know it had nothing to do with my introversion. I knew it is because of environmental factors in my life. The other way I am often labled is selfish. I can give so much and then when I insist on my downtime I am labeled selfish. I suppose since I don’t draw a lot of attention to myself when I’m giving that people only notice the taking.
I think this list is a great summary. I feel I could give someone this list to see who I am not. Most of the time I feel like buying everyone a copy of the book The Introvert Advantage. Although, that would feel too much like I am assigning homework.
Great post! I think the distinction between introversion and shyness boils down to choice and anxiety. An introverted person freely chooses to be alone. A shy person does not. A shy person wants to socialize, but feels nervous, anxious, and afraid of doing so.
I consider myself both introverted and shy, but I am very aware of the distinction. I can always identify whether I’m being introverted or shy simply by observing my anxiety level and by asking myself what I really want to do. If I really want to socialize, but am feeling anxious, then I’m suffering from shyness. If I don’t care to socialize and am not feeling any anxiety, then I’m just being introverted and not shy.
Excellent distinctions. The rudeness insult has been the most common for me, especially from my family and in-laws, extraverts to the last one. It seems that they can’t help but take it as a personal affront when time away is needed, and will push even harder to gain involvement in the drama of the day.
In a great essay entitled “The End of Solitude,” author William Deresiewicz concludes with this insight:
“The last thing to say about solitude is that it isn’t very polite. Thoreau knew that the “doubleness” that solitude cultivates, the ability to stand back and observe life dispassionately, is apt to make us a little unpleasant to our fellows, to say nothing of the offense implicit in avoiding their company. But then, he didn’t worry overmuch about being genial. He didn’t even like having to talk to people three times a day, at meals; one can only imagine what he would have made of text-messaging. We, however, have made of geniality — the weak smile, the polite interest, the fake invitation — a cardinal virtue. Friendship may be slipping from our grasp, but our friendliness is universal. Not for nothing does “gregarious” mean “part of the herd.” But Thoreau understood that securing one’s self-possession was worth a few wounded feelings. He may have put his neighbors off, but at least he was sure of himself. Those who would find solitude must not be afraid to stand alone.”
I use to care very much what others thought of me. I’m too old and much too happy in the way I live my life to do that now.
[...] let Lee Ann Lambert say what I feel today: It is easy to see why introverts are sometimes considered rude or aloof. [...]
@ RadiantRecluse: I really like your name and your comment about solitude and self-assurance. I noticed that those who learned to live by themselves had a clearer view of the world than those who could not. I still have an issue with caring about others’ opinions of me. Actually, now I do. Before, I used to not really let what people think of me bother me to death. I didn’t always consider it a huge thing when it came to being honest. If it did bother me, I tried to not let it show (I had a medium amount of success).
I also read your other comment about your health. Try to get well!
Morpheus
Mental illnesses can’t be equated to diabetes, heart disease or cancer unless they can be diagnosed as diabetes, heart disease or cancer are diagnosed. Mental illnesses are diagnosed subjectively. There are no medical tests to “prove” someone has any mental illness. Cancer, diabetes and heart disease can be proven because they are diagnosed objectively using various medical tests (blood tests, x-rays, biopsies etc.)
As popular as the notion of mental illness being caused by chemical imbalances in the brain is, there is no way to prove this is true. Science has yet to come up with any medical test that can objectively diagnose any mental illness. Which is not to say people don’t suffer from debilitating depression, anxiety, wild mood swings, paranoia etc.
@ Lily – Thank you for your comment. I disagree with you wholeheartedly on this and stand by what I wrote. While science has not yet found an exact way to measure brain chemicals to detect imbalances, science does know that treatment with chemicals (lithium for example) can work to put a person who is suffering from mental illness back into balance. Additionally, there is emerging evidence that some types of mental illnesses can be detected through brain scans that look at both the physical structure of the brain and how certain chemicals are being used by the brain.
It is also widely believed in the world of science, with good evidence, that imbalances in chemicals such as serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrin and the brain cells that act as receptors for these chemicals play an important part in some types of mental illness – bipolar disorder for example. As an aside, I have a close family member who suffers from bipolar mood disorder and I can attest to the effectiveness of treatment with medications combined with counseling, but I know for certain that without medications, this person would not be living a “balanced” life.
I’d also like to point out here that mental disorders, along with many physical illnesses respond well to a combination of treatments that can include medications, dietary and lifestyle changes and also counseling.
Objective diagnosis of many illnesses, both physical and mental is still iffy at best. I do hope you found the other items on my list helpful.
@ Radiant – I love Thoreau and hadn’t read this essay – I intend to do so now, though. Thanks for sharing this wonderful piece!
@ Vi – Thanks for sharing your experiences with both shyness and introversion. I myself am not shy, so your input on this topic is valuable.
@ John – Thanks for sharing. I like that you add selfish to the list – that’s another one. People often think we’re being selfish with ourselves and our time when we take time for ourselves. Funny what you said about assigning homework – I’ve felt that way before, too!
@ Morpheus – I have also found myself trying to react with a smile or whatever, just to keep others from getting upset that I’m not reacting. It can be maddening and I find it rude of the other people who have certain expectations that my reactions should be just as animated as theirs. go figure.
@Morpheus ~ Thank you for your kinds words.
And I should have qualified that statement about not caring what other people think. To clarify, I don’t care enough to change to meet their expectations. (The opinions of those whom I love and respect will always matter, but there rarely is a conflict because they know and understand, and are most likely kindred or skilled at compromise.)
Self-assurance has ended relationships at times, some of which were heartbreaking, but one can only give so much in the way of respect and consideration when there is no reciprocity, only attempts to manipulate or insult.
And your description of dealing with expectations of reactions is so familiar! I don’t think I was ever very successful, though.
@ RadiantRecluse: Thanks, and no problem! I had to go against the grain when it came to both my loved ones and strangers. It’s like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter (huge HP fan and proud of it! =^_~=). One of the reasons why most people find her discomforting is because she’s very perceptive and she tells it like it is (not in a rude way, just matter-of-factly). That’s how I am most of the time. That, and as you said, self-assurance, is what caused some of my relationships to end or be rocky at times.
I agree with you on that people don’t know what the hell friendship is. Excuse my language, but it’s so disgusting to me. I hate that even I forget what it means to have a friend and trust me, I have. It was just because I was so used to people using me that I didn’t know who was a friend or foe. As for the opinions thing, it’s a weird feeling. I feel…surprised. Most praised me very highly and some very low, but I always felt different when it came to myself. It’s a wild ride…
@ RR: Sorry, but I forgot to ask. How long did it take for you to not let others get to you and how did you feel about?
I absolutely love that you’ve pointed out the difference between “shy” and “introverted.” I am completely NOT shy. In fact, that’s why people are surprised when I tell them I’m an introvert. What can I say? I can handle being around others for so long before I need to be with my Fave Three – Me, Myself and I. Oh, and my dog (she’s quiet, so she stays).
Every time I’ve looked for a book on introversion at the library, I see nothing but books on shyness. I kicked that out the window years ago. Now, when I talk I probably talk too much, like now. 
Anyway, thanks for the fantastic post!
Oh, and RadiantRecluse, you are SPOT ON with your words, “I don’t care enough to change to meet their expectations.” I figured out long ago that by trying to fit everyone’s expectations of who they felt I should be was getting in the way of who I REALLY was. And making me sick in the process! That’s when the work began, that of finding out for myself who I really was. And that’s when I found peace.
Hi Lee Ann,
It is amazing how many people, even introverts, do not understand this. The extroverted world has trouble wrapping their minds around the possibility that there is a difference between introversion and shy, dull , rude…
I think we need to be mindful that it is not necessarily important that the outwardly focused completely understand us. We need to understand and embrace our own nature first.
@ Roger – I do agree with you – we often don’t understand ourselves and can be just as guilty with mislabeling ourselves. Self knowledge leads to self respect and embracing one’s own uniqueness. And really, I don’t know that outwardly focused people will ever be able to completely understand – how can they – what we do is foreign to them. And that’s OK too – both that they don’t completely get it and that we’re different. Thanks for chiming in!
@ Dibby – Thanks! It’s sort of maddening that I’ve found “experts” who still use the words shy and introvert as if they describe the same thing. Try The Introvert Advantage and Party of One: The Loner’s Manifesto if you haven’t already – they’re both great and don’t mix shyness with introversion.
@Morpheus ~ “How long did it take for you to not let others get to you and how did you feel about?” I think the process began about a decade ago, encompassing major life changes and a journey of self-discovery.
My “one fantastic someone” (as Anneli Rufus says is quite enough for some people in “The Loners’ Manifesto”) and I ended up in a place of awareness and understanding that left us unwilling to be anything other than ourselves. We realized that we’d been painfully compromising to get along, especially with our families, and could do it no longer. (There was a reason we’d always felt like the outsiders and black sheep among our own kin!) A few friends who viewed us only as ‘good listeners’ or the go-to people when they needed something (who never saw the need to reciprocate) also viewed our ’stubbornness’ with dismay.
We refer to this time in our lives as “The Great Falling Away.”
And let me be clear…we were not being rude, or callous, or cruel, but just putting ourselves, our preferences, and our desires first for the first time in our lives. It went over like a lead balloon.
How did it feel? At times, like a limb was being severed. Most times, we felt the heavy burdens of stress and guilt slip from our shoulders…we had no idea the effect living that way had on us until then. A line from the song “Defying Gravity” (Wicked) comes to mind: “Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost. Well if that’s love it comes at much too high a cost.” Contorting ourselves for those who do not really care for us, or even like us as we are, is indeed too high a cost.
And now? We are strong, happy, and at peace. All the energy that used to be directed elsewhere is now invested in furthuring our own neglected goals, and contributing to the much smaller circle of those who we can truly call ‘friend.’
Life is good.
Good list ^_^
I worked on a farm for a few months, mustering horses and cattle, and the woman I worked for was constantly telling me to smile. I would also get lectured on why I should smile more. It was very irritating as I am a generally happy person, my mouth just doesn’t default to smiling. She implied that there must be something wrong with me. Some people find introversion unsettling I think.
Wow. I’ve had two long term relationships in the past with two extroverted women. (a quandry for another time) And I would alway get yelled at for being rude whenever I didn’t ‘chum-it-up’ at her family or work related gatherings. I tried but it would become exhausting.
I would be told that enough times that I would apologize for rudeness beforehand.
I find this post refreshing.
It’s like I finally understand myself and I’m really not ‘wrong’ in my behavior.
@ RR: I’m sure it is. That really does take a lot of bravery to finally say, “Hey, this can’t work. I’ve gotta bounce. Peace!” and actually go through with it. At first, I knew that until I felt like I had nothing to lose, I wouldn’t be able to do what you did.
After thinking this over since last year, though, I’ve decided that it’s time to end my suffering. I’ve decided that it’s time for my Atlantis (inner mind) and my Creeping Vine of Strangeness to satisfy myself and others that are worth it. It may seem rude, but honestly, I don’t care about manners anymore.
Your story was inspiring. Thanks for sharing it with me.
Very encouraging to find this website. I just StumbledUpon it. It is nice to know there are others who share my personality. I’d invite you all round for a beer except I don’t really feel like it. Nothing personal.
Does anybody have the misfortune to work for an extremely extroverted boss? I do, and he literally cannot understand why I am asking for some peace and quiet so I can concentrate (I am a programmer). He thinks I am cracking up because of the stress of the bad economy. He doesn’t seem to realize that the thing that is really stressing me out is his total inability to understand that when I ask for some peace and quiet I am not criticizing anyone, or trying to be a spoilsport, I just need it to be able to function correctly. Aggravating!
@ DoomFerret – I used to have a boss like that. He drove me nuts!
@ Mike – Thanks! My husband (an extrovert) used to give me a hard time about not being more social and talkative. He finally understands that it’s not my nature and has mellowed out considerably.
@ TrueNorth – Hi – I’m glad you found this blog and hope it helps! I used to work for a boss who was quite extroverted. He used to tell me I was rude for not being more social (I was working instead – go figure). It’s very difficult to get through to some extroverts – I wish you luck!
Wow, great blog, great post:) Thanks for all the information.
You know something that struck me while reading…Accusing introverts of being rude/lacking in manners has a lot to do with the culture in which we live.
I’m native Swiss, born and raised, didn’t come to the U.S. until my late teenage years. I was shocked the first time someone assumed I was slow/had no manners because I didn’t “speak up” in a group of people. Stereotypes associated with bad manners are generally very different in Switzerland. At least this is the way it used to be in the 80s and 90s.
For example, there’s a saying in German that says “Speaking is silver, silence is golden”. People who talk too much, too fast or too loud are regarded as rude and/or uneducated. Self-effacement and ability to concentrate quietly for long periods of time are considered signs of character strength and even intelligence (it’s all very debatable but still an interesting contrast).
I really think American culture favors extroverts. Maybe it has to do with capitalism and business skills in which your ability to make a good first impression and get ppl interested in you are essential. Who knows.
I don’t mean to say, btw, that any one culture has a monopoly on virtues or is somehow fundamentally better than another. I just found it interesting to note how our personality traits may be received differently depending on where in the world we live. Parts of Europe and large parts of Asia definitely favor some introverted traits, which is nice to know. But that doesn’t necessarily mean those places are ideal introvert cultures either;)
Just some food for thought:)
Hi all, this is my first post here. I have been called mentally unstable and referred to as having “issues” simply because of my introverted characteristics. My parents think that there is something wrong with me because I don’t feel comfortable socializing a lot of the time. Crowds and a lot of background noise overwhelms me and I need to escape the situation after a short while in order to get backmy energy. And in addition to being introverted, I am also shy and have experienced social anxiety.
In regards to workplace experiences, I have had my share of troubles with extroverted coworkers,especially in the last couple of years. For some reason, I just feel very violated when I am in the presence of loud, talkative extroverted coworkers. A lot of them, not all of them, really don’t understand that some coworkers just want to be left alone to do their job. Not all coworkers are at work to socialize the work day away and have “fun”. Some employees actually value quiet and privacy and respect for thier personal space. Because a lot of them don’t get that, they will go out of their way to get attention.
Like many posters here, I have also been told to smile more and to be more social in order to make others feel comfortable. I have never been a very “smiley” person. It’s just not natural for me to be that way and I’m not a very expressive person. I actually thought that I was more expressive than I was until some family members pointed out that they were shocked when they actually saw me getting excited and happy about something.
@ Martina – Thanks for your input! It’s great to hear from someone who was raised in a different culture and I appreciate your comment. “speaking is silver, silence is golden” – indeed!
@ JW – Thanks for your comment! I too, have been accused many times of being too serious and not smiling enough – and then surprising others when I acted somewhat giddy about something particularly exciting. What can I say? We’re just not as demonstrative. Your comments about workplace irritants are spot on.
I love the Coffee Mug. Great concept. I believe everyone who has been a victim of workplace bullying or who works in a poisoned workplace environment should have one of these mugs as a spiritual survival tool. Will be enjoying your site, thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Peace,
Marc
@ Marc – Thanks! I sometimes feel like carrying one of those mugs around, along with wearing a t-shirt that says the same thing. It’s too bad that we sometimes feel like we have to defend ourselves in this way, but it happens, doesn’t it? Thanks for your comment and for reading!
Hi I just found your website and will bookmark so I can keep reading. I feel like I am also an introvert and misunderstood by myself and sometimes other people because of it.
I am not shy at all and actually was one of the most social outgoing popular people at my highschool, although I secretly longed for the days in elementary and middle school when people mostly ignored me because I was considered ugly and being smart was uncool. I find myself “playing the part” of life of the party at family and friend gatherings, but sometimes I just prefer not having to emotionally drain myself by the whole social butterfly thing because most of the time I don’t really enjoy it and it becomes like a chore after a while with all the small talk and loudness and goofiness that usually goes along with it. I’m not rude and am actually really nice and caring and loyal and I love volunteering to help others. It’s just that I prefer to be quiet and listen and observe the world rather than having to always be speaking to block out any silence. But because I am quiet sometimes, people assume I am stuck-up (once they know me they do they see that I’m not that way and many tell me about what their initial impressions were which is how I know) and that bothers me because I am being judged by people who don’t know me yet. And I wish I didn’t care at all what people thought about me.
I am confident and a leader by nature and I know I am intelligent and considered to be beautiful by most (even though being aware of that might sound stuck-up) but that doesn’t mean that I have to really care what these people think about me by expressing my opinions all the time or trying to make myself look perfect for them. When I have something to say I say it and when I want to look nice and happen not to mind the unwanted attention it will bring I’ll let down my boring bun and take off my glasses I hide behind and wear something nice. But at my core I am an intellectual and a introvert and an observer of the world and I am tired of people always expecting me to take the leadership position and telling them what to do when I get placed in any group where a leader is needed. I’d like to be cut some slack so I can finally really except who I am instead of struggling between trying to be what people expect and want from me and just wanting to blend in with the wallpaper so I can be left alone just for a few minutes so I can breathe and think.
Wow! Thanks for this comment! You’ve expressed what many introverts feel and go through on a regular basis. This is very common for many of us, and I thank you for putting it all into words. You sound like you have a pretty balanced way of living as an introvert in a very extroverted world.