Being Introverted Doesn’t Give You License to be Rude
photo: celebdu’s photostream
What introvert out there hasn’t been accused of being rude? We don’t say much sometimes. We can be rather stoic and our emotional responses are often very low-key compared to an extroverts. We don’t like having attention unnecessarily called to us. We don’t like it when strangers (and sometimes people we know) try to hug us, and we pull away from people who are clingy (physically, emotionally and socially). Most of us have been looked at as being socially awkward at one time or another (which can be mistaken for rudeness).
But those things aren’t rudeness. They are natural ways of being and natural reactions for us. The accusation of rudeness comes from extroverts who don’t understand what introversion is and aren’t sure why we’re not as exuberant, demonstrative, talkative and excitable as they are.
So we’re not rude. Not by doing introverted things.
But, there are rude introverts (and lots of rude extroverts, too) out there and I’m here to suggest that if you’re using your introversion as an excuse for ignoring basic polite behavior, then you’re a rude person.
Here’s how to be a polite introvert – not a rude one:
- Don’t ignore people. Other people are humans, too. And humans (even introverts) want to be acknowledged, even if it’s with a nod of the head and a small smile.
- Saying thank you is good. I even say thank you to the crew of a plane I’m disembarking from (even if the landing was crappy), and especially to people who have been rude to me (I suppose this might be for karmic revenge purposes – if there is such a thing as karmic revenge). But what I mean is that if someone has tried to do something nice for you or has provided a service to you – say thanks.
- Remember that extroverts like to be the center of attention. When you’re the center of attention, people will assume that you want them to make a big deal of it. Try to allow this to an extent. It can give others great joy to try to give you great joy by making a big deal out of you (twist your head around that!).
- If someone is talking to you, pay attention to what they’re saying. Try really hard at this, because we forget to listen, sometimes opting for planning an escape from the current boring conversation (by the way, extroverts do this too, but they forget to listen because they are thinking about what important thing they can interrupt with). You will want to make an occasional effort at joining conversations as well.
- When people try to hug and touch you without some sort of permission – well, you can draw the line on politeness there. If you need to, a straight-arm move does wonders for warding off huggers and touchers.
Use each of the above listed politeness pointers in moderation. We wouldn’t want to be accused of being extroverted or wear ourselves out listening to endless conversations (seriously, that’s very draining for introverts).
Hey! Don’t forget to read the book and then go review it on Amazon (unless you hate it – if you don’t like it, just pretend you didn’t read it).
I agree — introversion does not mean you get to be rude. It’s not an excuse for bad behavior. I’ve seen this behavior in action before. Two people who know each other pass by in the hallways. One says, hi. The other one doesn’t even respond! That’s rude.
Once again, you’ve encapsulated something I face and affirmed me in being the introvert I am. I don’t think of myself as rude; however, I can clearly remember times when my friends have said I ignored someone, and I often don’t even realize I did.
Around extreme extroverts, who are always seeking to be the center of attention, I do, though, sometimes not give them the attention they want. When I think about the comparison, I sometimes feel they want the adulation, but don’t earn it. And if I get that attention (which I don’t enjoy), it’s usually because I have earned it. I’m considered a leader in my field of expertise, not because I’ve sought it, but it’s somehow built without my wanting it, largely, I think, because of my work. Extroverts seem to want to instantly get to that place to get attention, but without doing the work. (I’m rambling….)
This is one of my pet peeves! I hate it when people say “I’m just introverted” or “I’m an Aspie” just to get out of being rude. That’s one of the reasons why I think people can’t wrap around the fact that not all introverts are rude people. Some, yes, but not all.
I think I need to work on the compliments thing. I always tell them to stop and I even get crabby sometimes. It’s playful at first, but then it really starts to grate my gears. I feel like they’re trying to assume they know who I am. It’s weird…I apologize afterwards, though.
Thanks for the tips and it’s good to see your posts,
Morpheus
Good points. I think that being rude is easy for everyone – being friendly and polite takes attention. Because I’m often in my head, I have to really pay attention to what’s going on around me and be present. When I’m focusing outwardly (but not using tons of energy or extroverted-ly) I become a polite, attentive introvert. It’s all about social effort for me, and then having some quiet time at home.
@ Vi – Yes, I’ve seen this happen many times. It’s happened to me. I just figure the other person is having a bad day (giving them the benefit of the doubt), but it’s still rude. It takes very little effort to say hi and offer a smile.
@ Cheryl – I agree with you about some extreme extroverts seeming to want instant adulation and constant attention. That, in itself, is rude.
@ Morpheus – I have a problem with the compliments thing too and have been trying to work on that.
@ Laurie – Yes, it is an effort to get out of our heads and become what you call “polite, attentive introverts”. It’s worth it when we can balance all that with peace and quiet.
Being rude is never okay, but sometimes you’re not aware of it.
As an introvert I have two experiences with being “rude”.
It happens that I think about what I said/did later, and hope to learn from it. Of course, I didn’t mean to be rude, I was just being me.
It also happens I’ve been told that I might’ve been a bit rude be someone else.
I’ve also been told, and based on my upbringing, that I am very polite. What I’m trying to get at is what is rude? What might seem perfectly normal to me, but based on your standards it’s rude; and vice versa.
It’s like when someone tells you to be normal. What is normal?
I love reading this blog, but this post seems to sway in the direction of making a introvert change to something he/she isn’t.
I personally feel it’s almost like telling someone with a bad back to stop having a bad back. Sure, with the right help and training they might get better, but in the end that person will always have a different back than you.
“This is one of my pet peeves! I hate it when people say “I’m just introverted” or “I’m an Aspie” just to get out of being rude.”
I couldn’t disagree with you more, Morpheus.
We all know, especially if you are an introvert or aspie, that we are different. Sometimes we don’t always express ourselves as “normals” do. As an introvert I’ve also said ‘I’m an introvert, that’s why I did/say X’. I didn’t say that to excuse myself, I did it to explain who I am.
That’s why one of my favourite characters in TBBT is Sheldon Cooper. He is awkward and can be seen as rude, but in the end he is who he is without feeling the need or pressure to be changed. That’s what I feel should be the goal for all introverts; at least it’s my goal. So far, being who I am in any situation has worked out great for me.
Just my 2 cents.
@ Xen – I agree that we are sometimes not aware of our “rudeness”. But I’m not trying to suggest that any introvert become more extroverted to make up for this. Everyone, whether introverted or extroverted can become more aware of what they are doing and how it is affecting the atmosphere around them.
We are all different. We’re all going to have different experiences, reactions and opinions about things. That’s fine, in fact that’s great. One of the things that I disagree with the most in this world is that we all have to be a certain way and think a certain way. BUT, in my humble opinion, there are some simple things that everyone can do to make the world more pleasant for themselves and others (and I do believe that we all have some responsibility for this).
I am not pressuring anyone to change. I am suggesting awareness. If one becomes more aware of his or her actions and finds them acceptable, then they are.
I do appreciate your comment because it brings up a good point: as introverts, we’re OK and that not everyone is going to fit in to everyone else’s idea of what’s right.