I Don’t Know My New Neighbors, But I Already Don’t Like Them. I Guess That Makes Me Bad.
photo: romulusnre
We have new neighbors. The house next door has been vacant for two years, maybe longer – I don’t know because we moved in almost exactly two years ago and it was empty then.
I loved that the house was vacant. Someone came and mowed the lawn occasionally and more or less maintained the outside of the house and even went in once in a while and check it out to make sure it hadn’t become overrun with possums or whatever vacant houses become overrun with (zombies?). I loved that the house was vacant because it served as a buffer between our house and the rest of the neighborhood.
Our neighborhood is one where the homes are close together and the yards are small. Close enough that you know when the neighbors are having an argument or a party. Frankly, I don’t like living this close to anyone, but we do, and it’s going to be this way for the foreseeable future.
So yesterday, I returned home from running errands to find four vehicles parked in front of the house next door and the new neighbors (who look suspiciously irritating – oh wait, that’s just me assuming they will be irritating) happily moving their stuff in. All of my territoriality and claims on complete privacy reared up and my fantasies of having that empty house buffer between me and the rest of the neighborhood forever and ever were dashed.
I had a fit. And I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit this.
They might be wonderful people with lovely children. They might create a beautiful cottage garden in their front yard and never make a bit of noise. They might be introverts who just want to live in peace and don’t care to know me and are so sensitive about protecting their own privacy that they wouldn’t dare infringe on mine.
But right now, I’m in the “it’s all about me” mode and I’m questioning whether I’m an extreme introvert (which I am – there’s really no question there), or whether I’m an extreme introvert and budding recluse/mean neighbor lady. Will I become one of those strange ladies that putters in her yard and gives the neighbors the stink eye every time they leave their house or arrive home from work? I don’t know. I’m wondering if I’m a bad person for feeling like this!
This is one of those times when I feel that being introverted can be burdensome. It’s times like this that I wish I was more like the extroverts that feel that closeness to other humans (in terms of proximity) is a pleasant occurrence, not something to avoid.
On the other hand, introverted is the way that I am, and I like being an introvert (in spite of the fact that my own introversion challenges me sometimes). Maybe I just need to give my new neighbors a chance to not be irritating and remember that I don’t have to invite them in for coffee.
I get that same feeling on airplanes when I think I’m going to get a seat to myself and then someone sits next to me.
Hm. I tend to expect the worst–like someone WILL take that seat next to me–so I’m pleasantly surprised (and relieved) when it’s left empty.
Then again, I’m not as extreme as you are, I don’t think. I’m okay in crowds and boisterous groups. In small doses, anyway. I seem pretty good about putting on mental blinders so background crowd doesn’t feel like people.
…I’m having dizzy spells atm, so please pardon me if that fails to make sense.
Oh my, I can sympathise! We have park land on one side of our property, so no house there. We used to have the most lovely neighbours on the other side who were so great about respecting our privacy. Friendly but never loud or intrusive. Then the neighbours moved and I was SO worried about who would move in. We got an older couple, with dogs. The wife is a large, loud woman with one of those loud, raspy smoker laughs. She talks outside on her cell phone, hanging over the deck and staring into our yard, talks to us from her deck when we’re trying to enjoy the backyard, and once when I was dealing with an “issue” with my children there she was on the deck, hanging over the railing, watching the whole thing. No concept of privacy at all. And….sometimes they’re out late at night and leave the dog on the back deck, crying, which is very loud in our bedroom while we’re trying to sleep. Argh!!
Thanks, Lee Ann for this post – I feel less unusual now.
I recently purchased a townhome, side-by-side, second to last on a dead end road (I would have preferred the end unit, obviously!). I moved in last December and have spoken to my next door neighbors once. I have, however, mustered enough extro-energy to at least wave and smile on those dreaded instances when such is the minimum requirement of a neighbor. I lived on the wild side last night and briefly attended an “association night out”. I stayed an hour, smiled and acted interested, and exchanged numbers with my immediate neighbors. Oh, and she did mention the 2′x2′ barrier I placed between our garages.
Yes, a barrier; the light on her garage shines into my living room. Why is it even on, and why all night? I know, I know, safety…security, et al. To each their own. She wasn’t offended, just mentioned that she noticed it had fallen down a few times and that it wasn’t her! (I suppose SHE was worried that I thought she had knocked it down in a passive-aggressive tantrum). She hadn’t tantrumed…always a good thing. I briefly said that the light shines in and kind of minimized the importance of the barrier. Without it, I would be seeking another place to live. I suppose “light pollution” is a whole ‘nother topic.
It was quite the day, I thought it applied to this topic, thought I would post, and now I’m done.
Thanks, Lee Ann for your advocacy!
I forgot to add to my story that the townhome next door to me on the other side is unoccupied. I hope it remains that way or they remove it and replace it with a moat or something
Oh man, can I relate. I am a writer and a professor so I work from home quite often and every day at 4 PM my white trash neighbor comes rumbling down the street in his pickup truck, stereo blasting at full volume, backs into his driveway which is about 25 feet from my den window, and let’s it crank. They are also fond of sitting on lawn chairs by the truck, drinking beer, swearing, yelling at cars going by and screaming at their incessantly barking dog to “Shut up %*&$% it!” Even an extro couldn’t tolerate these losers.
Good luck with yours!
We’ve lived in our house for over 15 years. We’re on a corner and adjoin some public property so we only have one neighbor family that “borders” us. During one stretch, that house was sold three times in less than three years. Going through the social dance of getting to know new people can be stressful so I thought “If they stay longer than a year, maybe I’ll make the effort…” Well, they’ve been around for just under four years. Some days I feel guilty that I know the name of their (well behaved) dog but I don’t know theirs, first OR last.
My husband always thought we’d live in one of those waving-while-out-mowing-the-lawn neighborhoods and we don’t. Ours is populated more by retirees out leaning on their rakes or brooms who eye you somewhat suspiciously as you drive up the street. Frankly, this suits me just fine!
To me, I think a good neighbor is one who knows you well enough to call 911 if they see someone unfamiliar walking out your front door with your TV set or for whom you’re willing to collect mail during their vacation but otherwise keeps a somewhat cordial distance.
Wasn’t it Robert Frost who observed “Good fences make good neighbors?”
This sounds like a plan, “Maybe I just need to give my new neighbors a chance to not be irritating and remember that I don’t have to invite them in for coffee.”
You get to free yourself of that judgment as well as decide how wide the boundary is.
I love that kind of introverted thinking things through.
I think it’s important to distinguish between introversion (fine) and negative judgmental behaviour (not so much). I like your article because it reveals how you’re struggling with this one and (it seems to me) you’re aware that something in your reaction isn’t sitting well with you and might not be explained away neatly by introversion.
I think it’s anxiety or fear that’s triggering your feelings of dislike and irritation. Managing social anxiety is a big part of being an introvert…and I can’t imagine many more unavoidable situations than, well, simply having neighbours. “No woman is an island”…and although that reality can present challenges for introverts, it can also a blessing. Good neighbours help keep our homes safe, look out for isolated elderly folks, lend us potato peelers and power tools. It’s all good.
I find that meditation and other spiritual practices help alleviate my feelings of social anxiety…and when I notice a nasty thought I try to replace it with a kind one. (The nasty thoughts are actually hurting you more than they are them, by the way.) When you encounter your new neighbours, simply smile politely…there’s no need to host a pot-luck.
In other words, do what you can to cultivate a positive attitude. That cultivating takes work, like a garden, but it’s worth the effort to develop a feeling of comfort around others, so we can build strong communities made of both introverts and extroverts.
Best wishes!
Lynn
Lee Ann,
We are in the exact same situation. I’ve kind of gotten accustomed to the neighbours on one side who were there when we moved in 5 years ago. They have noisy hobbies (motorcycles) but are otherwise very quiet and respect my space. The other side was occupied by a lovely old couple who have both since passed away. The house was unoccupied for 18 months until a week before Christmas. Then a couple with two little girls moved in but the noise that holiday was horrendous as they got the house organised. Drilling at 11pm is not on! My home and garden is my sanctuary and I had a total panic attack which totally wrecked my holiday.
I hope you can draw some reassurance from the fact that they too have turned out to be very quiet people. Their garden is a total mess which annoys me (many people in england who would really love a garden simply cannot afford one so when people get one then abandon it I get really irate). BUT the important thing is that they are quet and leave me alone – I hope your new neighbours do likewise.
Lynn makes a really good point about social anxiety and it is the demon I constantly battle with.
Neighbours can really make or break our quality of life. I really hope yours turn out to be quiet, civil, and respectful – but, of course, it’s painful to say goodby to a vacant lot next door.
I live in the middle of five acres of forest, in a clearing in the woods, and can see nothing but trees and mountains from my windows but my neighbours are VERY loud. Because they too live on 5-acre parcels, and because they are rather lazy, they like to scream at each other from one side of the property to the other. They also believe the hellish sound of quad bikes, dirt bikes, chainsaws, and backhoes add something oh-so-special to the sound of the wilderness. I moved to the country for peace and quiet, but my neighbours didn’t! I cherish the quiet days and am overjoyed when they go away on holiday.
Hi Lee Ann,
As Ben Franklin said: “Love your neighbors but don’t cut down the hedge”.
I hope they will turn out to be likable sorts without being burdensome. I have been enjoying that the house directly behind me is currently vacant especially since the last people kept a screeching bird in a cage on their back deck most days. I knew they would figure out who helped the bird disappear which prevented me from carrying out the unwholesome thoughts that crossed my mind as I was trying to enjoy a little peace in the yard.
Your posts are always great to read which is all I seem to be able to do lately. I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel but hope it is not an oncoming train.
Namaste my dear,
Roger
You are in a period of mourning. You are mourning over the loss of one situation which had its benefits.
As time goes on and you adjust to the new, you may see new opportunities which were not seen before.
I had a neighbor I was concerned about until someone tried to break in my house and that neighbor supported me (They called the cops, grabbed a shotgun… They were ready to give backup should my family need it. By the way, that story has a happy ending.)
You sound like me. The quiet single guy next door moved out and I’m dreading who will move in. I already hate them. My peace and quiet are being threatened!
Oh LeeAnn this post made me smile! I can relate to everything. I don’t ever like to feel like my privacy is invaded. But my ideal neighbor situation is one that I can easily acknowledge them with a wave and them me….I’ve been in situations where neighbors came running over when I got home and my time/ my plans for the day have totally been interurpted.
Respectable distance, respect for boundaries and a smile and a wave, Bliss! Good luck
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A quick update on the neighbor situation. Their kids who are probably 5 and 7 and cute and fairly well behaved. The adults are only mildly irritating, mostly when thye sit in their yard and talk loudly (why can’t they use inside voices outside, too?).
However, their friends park on my lawn (up over the sidewalk) and walk on my lawn when they come to visit. This, I find upsetting (that’s the understatement of the century). They can’t park in the street and stay off my lawn like the rest of the people in the civilized world? I have not yet found my voice and gone over there to a) introduce myself and b) asked them to ask their friends to be more mindful of where the street stops and the sidewalk and grass starts.
Get some of those little flags that lawn companies use to warn people that the lawn has been sprayed with chemicals. Place them where your neighbors visitors are likely to see them. Problem solved.
If that doesn’t work, try planting a small flower bed there. If that doesn’t work, plant raspberry brambles. If that doesn’t work, dig a moat. The last course of action would be beehives or a mean dog. They’ll get the message eventually.
I must be an extreme introvert. Our neighbours who are dear friends (and extraverts) have gone overseas. It has been weeks and I don’t miss them at all! In fact, I am happy to have the extra psychic space.
Now who is a bad person, LOL.
So it’s not just me who cringes when neighbors walk across my lawn. I only have a patch of grass, about 10 ft. by 15, but it’s all the distance I have from people walking by my window. Very, very reaffirming to read all of this. I live in a townhouse and used to live in a very private apartment. MAN is this an adjustment. Sometimes I like knowing people are close by, but my immediate two or three neighbors have become noisy, space invaders, who party most weekends and infringe on my space with their kids. Mind you I didn’t at first, I figured it came with the territory, but then it increased then I minded. Problem is they outnumber me and it has intimidated me to speak up….and I’m even on the board of the HOA. The key factor for me here is…I DON’T do these things to them. But the truth is, they are encroaching on the space of others and inconsiderate with their noise. I’m gonna be a big girl and stand my ground with them. I have demonstrated respect for others. If they see that as me being, “particular”, or “that neighbor”…well…you all just gave me the strength to not care. It isn’t intolerance on our part, it’s inconsideration on their part and we can’t just pout and hope it will go away…we have to make it stop. I’ll let you know what happens. kolleenb@email.com
I have recently moved into an apartment in a large building. I have found it surprisingly quiet and private – the neighbors mind their own business and so far there are very few annoyances. There is probably some shyness as well as introversion in operation here, but for the time being I think I will just enjoy the peace and quiet.
I can relate to alot of this.
We all deserve to be ok in the place we live in that we pay our hard money for.
Tink, You may find it helpful if you can find out the feelings of the other neighbours, knowing in the back of your mind that you are not being “unreasonable” and your concerns are valid will probably give you that confidence. It is nice to have some backup support. Also being on the HOA should help.
I use to live the military life and lived in base housing which is pretty much family oriented. Though there were rules and a need for being considerate of neighbours and such, that still didn’t always jive, and sometimes things had to be said.
It bothered the crap out of me living in such close quarters.
And I know we were probably noisy too having two boys and a dog.
But the walls were so thin, you could hear all sorts of noise and conversations. The back yards were right on top of eachother, though a wall divided, you could still hear talking or arguments and music blaring and dogs yapping and children screaching.
I also lived near a childrens park and in a cul de sac.
Cul-de- sacs are a no no for anyone who wants quiet. Never live in a cul-de-sac! You may think it will be quieter, but if you live in a family housing type community. It’s the opposite. Kids will merge towards the end and play because there is no thru traffic. Ball games, bikes, skates, things with wheels, you hear shrieks and yells, just typical kids games noise.
So base life is not great for the introvert, because there is a alot of family activities going on because of the children, and just the whole military lifestyle.
My husband and I are now are out of the military and live in a detached home. That in itself is fantastic. No thin walls! The yards are far enough apart compared to previous homes we have lived in. Our neighbours are fine, and I think they consider us to be nice too. We are the wave and say hi type and that’s ok.
One side of us they have yappy dogs, but are not there all the time, so it’s tolerable. The other side, the guy tinkers in his garage and you may hear the radio on, and he may periodically rev up his engine but it’s not all the time. It bothers me a little bit but I actually like the family, they are really nice people and so I can live with it.
A few doors down, Well their dog often escapes, and I will be sitting in my front room and I will see a flash of the dog going by our window and across our property and then a few seconds later, the owner chasing after it. It’s funny but annoying at the same time. We currently don’t have fencing up. It is an open plan community.
Really though, compared to where and how we use to live, it’s all an improvement, and I am trying to remember and be thankful for that.
However, the development is growing and they are building right across the street from us. I hope things don’t change too much.
I grew up on a farmhouse on three acres of land. This should come as no suprise that my current arrangements where I am living close enough to others so that i can hear conversations and arguments and the like is something I have never completely adjusted to and am never going to love at all. But, my embarrassingly mediocre credit and measly paycheck that pay all my piles of bills is ensuring that this is something that will not change in the forseable future.
The truth is that this is something that would irriate me at times no matter how nice and quiet the neighbors are. The main issue at hand is that we have no buffers here to speak of. There are no yard, no fences, not even a hedge between us and the house next door. The only privacy we have in within these apartment walls which are paper thin and also have a neighbor on the other side of our bathroom and one on the third floor above us, so even in the confines of our own home, having total peace and privacy is questionable. Its annoying to have the neihgbors front door SO close to mine that if someone knocks or opens it, or goes up the other stairs, I am always confused that this is occuring at my apartment. I could have had visitors and Im sure I probably wouldnt know it for some time.
We dont even have our own private driveway..its the only thing seperating us from the house next door and its also shared by everyone that lives here and all the guests they have visiting. It wasnt so bad at first, but now there to more people here with more cars so now its amount to be way too much activity in one space with cars and random people walking up and down the driveway like clockwork. I am alone at nights due to my husbands work schedule so a random man wandering around by my door is not something that I feel all that good about
I am a kind and sharing person, but I feel that sharing some things like a driveway does NOT work out in my experience, especially when our neighbors are rude enough to park so crooked that its blocking our cars in and out. we have plenty of room here so there is no reason for this. its angers me since my husband and I have always gone of our way to make sure that we leave enough parking space for everyone else.and dont always get the same consideration in return.We had parking issues like this before and which were bad enough in the city where parking was fiercely competitive and now back to dealing with the same problems.
These are all reasons why I felt the same way you did when these apartments were actually left vacant for a time. it was the most privacy we have had here in a long time.I also admit to feeling really disappointed when people moved in.I was hoping they never would be rented out. More specifially, the previous neighbiors in the house next door were nosy rude and irritating, so much that they had noise complaints on them for too loud music and excessive loud arguing, honking the car horn for no reason at ungodly hours..and we were so happy to see them go, ONLY to get stuck with new neighbors who only resumed the same onboxious behavior as thoses who preceded them from day one., so your feeling of dread about what kind of neighors you would end up are totally understandable.
I will post more on this subject later
@ Amy, and everyone else really, this is a very sore subject with many of us. Our personal space seems to extend far, and our irritation at what we consider rude and inconsiderate behavior probably seems quite reasonable to us, and maybe not reasonable to others. Boundaries are a big deal for most introverts, whether they are physical or emotional boundaries. Other people don’t have boundaries when it comes to space or behavior.
My own neighbors have not demonstrated much improvement. They’ve been here for almost six months, and have crap laying all over their yard (a spare tire, overflowing garbage containers, and some odd pieces of building materials). The adults are still very loud when outside, which is less now that it’s winter. In the summer, we called the cops on them because they were having a drunken argument on their lawn. This was at midnight, and they were screaming and throwing things at each other, and then going in the house and coming back out, slamming doors, etc, etc. They woke up four households in our neighborhood, that we know of.
I wonder if this isn’t so much a problem of us being introverted, but of just wanting our neighbors to be peaceful and respectful of themselves and others. This is probably a universal desire.
I have over the last couple of weeks, tried to change my own thoughts about my neighbors. For my sake, not theirs.
In situations where living on top of, under, and shoulder to shoulder with strangers is necessary, I think most of us introverts have a least some difficulty, but I suppose that even the most extroverted person wouldn’t necessarily enjoy having rude neighbors.
I understand perfectly, also. I have been living for the past 10 years in a condo complex where each building has 3 levels with 4 ranch-style units per level. I had lived in a detached house for much of my life and expected a little bit of problems with neighbors and being so “close” to others. I initially did with an older ex-hippie type who is a “pothead”, owns a motorcycle, played loud music, etc. I approached our management company and the board, and we eventually got this solved – especially once he understood that it wasn’t the pot that was the problem (he didn’t know I reported it) but that it was coming under my/our condo doors – several of us are asthmatic/have heart disease, have small children, etc., and don’t want to be breathing the stuff. He still smokes it, I think, but he properly “ventilates” it and doesn’t try to mask it with heavy incense (which was also coming under our doors). It helps to have a really good board and good management company when living in a covenanted community – in that sense, if you can find that, an introvert can thrive as I have.
Another tip for us introverts – if at all possible, visit your proposed new living place/neighborhood at various hours of the day and night before signing a contract/moving in – you can get a better idea of the general noise level, etc.
Its so nice to know that people understand that space and privacy is a univeral need and desire. I couldnt agree more.
The funny thing is that the neighbors who had the noise complaints, both sets of them including the ones who had the police called over here, all turned around and had to blame my husband and I. They were the ones having tailgate parties all the time ( we didnt call the cops but this was something that had happened so many times before and we really should have made a complaint!)so they brought this on themselves, but we are always the bad guys. I have actually overheard them complaining about US and we didnt do anything to them.
Its not that Im not nice to my neighbors, I always say hello at the moments when interaction cannot be avoided. My husband and I did make an effort to be friendly even to the neighbors who have caused us problems ( but they still like to give us dirty looks in return so hey at least we tried) Its just that we are so out in the open here and there are no buffers..everyone knows it when we so much as take the garbage out, leave the house, have dinner on our patio ( and it has become more impossible to even enjoy that without someone barrelling by us or having loud argumements right in front of us as if we were not there..or thinking that because im sitting outside this means that Im looking for everyone to try to pay me unwanted attention all the time. The point is that its so easy to feel obligated to that around here. I admit that last night when i RAN to my backdoor from my car when I saw the neighbors about to leave their house and scrambled for my house keys so that I could get inside as soon as I could. First of all its dark and 12 degrees outside where I live and so not the time to get roped into forcing small talk. And it was right after work. I work 8 hours a day closely to other people and have to be nice and social to everyone all the time whether I feel like it or not, whether I like the person or not, so it should be understood that after work, I really need some amount of time to myself to feel recentered and relaxed. And its my own, I shouldnt have to feel obligated to come right home and have pot luck dinners all the time or ever have to explain myself to anyone and bend over backwards for everyone. But some people just dont understand that, at least around here. My former neighbors even had to talk crap to the lady next door to us about that..about my husband and I dont seem to care about anyone because we keep to our themselves or not home because we are at work alot, and its actually none of their business.
at the end of the day, this is MY home and i have a right to do what I need to do feel content and comfortable. We do not have to defend ourselves and our choices to anyone.
“I have demonstrated respect for others. If they see that as me being, “particular”, or “that neighbor”…well…you all just gave me the strength to not care. It isn’t intolerance on our part, it’s inconsideration on their part” from “Tink’s post..and this is EXACTLY word for word how i feel!!!i couldnt have made it more clear.
The fact that my neighbors have already unfairly judged and placed labels on me, Guess they are offended because we have lives our own and didnt go to their tailgate parties every day and not falling all over them.
My frustration is that in light of all things considered in my prior posts..is it really fair for anyone to expect any more from me? I want to know what else do these people want and need? its already more than enough that im living pratically shoulder to shoulder with them and being cordial to them.I dont think they should be pushing it and demanding that much more from me. Its the same attitude I have for some people at my job who do not like me though I also have not done anything to hurt them, i did try and have respected them and the fact that they have pegged me just really makes me not care that much anymore.
BIRDS NEED HELP TOO !
Here in MitcHELL County, Kansas almost no one seems to care if our songbirds are frightened and fly away whenever a vehicle with a noisy muffler or boombox speeds by. As soon as the noisy lowlifes can be heard approaching while blocks away, I tell my neighbor that we’re hearing the mating calls of the (unfortunately not endangered) MitcHELL County “horny birds”! But it really isn’t funny and we’ve noticed that it’s basically the ugliest kids who are the noisiest – the only way they can attract flighty females. Let’s hear no more talk about “Kansas values”! Would love to hear some reactions to this. Almost desperate, Karl (in Karl’s Kastle)
Lee Ann & introvert readers:
I am reeling here! I had no idea there were others like me that actually post & talk about it!! I’ve been browsing around here & feeling right at home.
I had a receptionist-area job for 15 years & by the time I got home each day I was totally shriveled up & spent! I saw every employee, visitor, company rep that walked in the door & had the phones & radio in addition.
Poor hubby, an extrovert, could NOT understand why I didn’t want evening company!! Well, happy to report that after years of loggerheads, I finally got him to understand that that’s who I am & it won’t ever change. He now protects my privacy & has learned to go to meetings & activities without me! To make it short, after a lifetime of trying to be what everyone else wanted & expected, I retreated!! I went through cancer & treatments in 2002 & it hit me in the face that most of my life is probably behind me & that if I want to relax with who I am & what I enjoy I had better start now!
I’ve been made to feel extra thankful today, though, because I live on a rural road with farmland on one side & pasture on the other! Although I grew up in town, once I got a taste of privacy out in the country I wouldn’t trade it! We’ve had a hard time finding our relocation/retirement home because we don’t ever want to live in town again. I’d forgotten how absurd some ‘neighbors’ can be & how lucky I am to have good quiet neighbors out here who don’t trespass but will watch your place for you. We do help each other out, etc. but those several acres in-between are worth their weight in gold! I do have to admit, though that for years some of them thought that I was, I don’t know ~ wacko? psychotic? Odd or weird at the very least, for sure! I work from home (Yay!!!) & that alone causes concern from the “I gotta fix you, you’re broken” crowd! (“What odes she DO all day?”) I, too, have been called uppity, stuck-up, mad, et al. Most of my life I’ve felt alone ~ NOT lonely but alone, due to being so different from the majority. Journaling has helped me; as has getting rid of activities, meetings, toxic people & manipulators at the risk of being a pariah in my own family, neighborhood & community. I have friends that I value but I don’t have fan crowds! I don’t need someone else trying to remake me to be like them. I read a book in the last few years & can’t remember the author, titled “The Return To Self” that helped me understand that my introversion was bio not an illness. It’s been bad enough for us introverts, but now with the new wave of ‘communitarianism’ we’ll be feared & misunderstood even more… But introverts are good for society & indeed, it would be lacking without us! They just don’t know it!
Thanks, Lee Ann & I hope to read your book soon!
Hello everyone,
I found this site today after googling “introverted behavior”. I was feeling guilty for refusing to attend a Super Bowl party (torture!) because it will drain me. I was afraid I was becoming a reclusive old lady (at 64) because I’m finding it harder and harder to enjoy socializing. It is such a relief to meet people like me! I’ve always known and understood my introversion. But this website helps me to understand it even better.
This subject of neighbors is interesting. My husband and I sold our home in 2002, left behind our perfect neighbors, and became full-time RVers. We were apprehensive about having really close neighbors in RV Parks, but surprisingly, most RVers are very respectful of everyone’s privacy, maybe because we live in such close proximity. Our current neighbors in the park in our old town where we spend most of our time are lovely. We wave and chat briefly. We trade favors when necessary. They’re quiet and respectful. But when the space next to us that had been empty for months was filled, we felt such despair. Fortunately, she’s very nice and quiet. Whew!
However, we spend our winters in a beautiful park in southern California with huge spaces that attracts a lot of weekend campers. Every Thursday and Friday night we brace ourselves as they arrive. They are noisy. Their children run through our space and behind our RV. They sit out by the campfire talking loudly past “quiet hour”. We breathe a sigh of relief on Sundays when they leave. I had never understood that the “territorial” feelings we have are part of introversion. It helps me a lot to know that I’m not just selfish and cranky .
Thanks for being here.
Liz
I can sympathize. Having been living in an apartment that has become more like a college dorm, I have been so burned by problems with neighbors that when I move into my new apartment next month, not only do I not care to, but I want against interaction with, or even meeting my neighbors.
So I wouldn’t feel worried about appearing as an anti-social, anti-neighbor person. It will probably keep people away, which might not be a bad thing at all.
On the opposite side of the coin, you new neighbors may in fact share in my attitude. If the feeling is mututal, all the better for you I suppose. But sooner or later one neighbor is going to do something the other disapproves of. Avoidance is only feasable for so long it seems.
Good luck!
I’ve posted before about my experiences with extroverted houseguests. (They’re family members so my husband won’t talk to them about their excessively long visits.) One of the problems I have is that they are good friends with my extroverted neighbors. So they expect us to socialize with the neighbors when they’re visiting us, and also when they go home. So I’m getting pressured to socialize with my neighbors by people who live in another state. Why should they care??? They think I should be over there chatting for hours and hours and taking food over, just to be “neighborly”. I have a job and kids and the neighbors are retired – if anything, they should be bringing me food!!! (No, I don’t really want them to do that…) Recently one of these relatives who visits informed us of some health issues my neighbors were having and tried to guilt us into visiting them. MYOB, dammit!!!! I’m almost overwhelmed with my own obligations as it is without being made to feel like I’m somehow lacking because I dont’ want to be held hostage by my neighbor who can small-talk non-stop for literally HOURS.
[...] I am frustrated with my neighbors. Yes, those neighbors. The snow has melted to reveal a pile of discarded furniture and overturned garbage cans in their [...]