Here Come the Holidays!
photo: evilerin
This past weekend, my stepdaughters wanted to watch The Grinch – you know, the movie version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, with Jim Carrey. It seemed like a weird movie choice, considering that it’s October, but neither their father nor I were in the mood to argue about it, so we watched the Grinch. I like this movie. But I’m not a fan of the holidays.
What I mean is that I’m not a fan of the movement, noise, and chaos that comes with the holiday season – the grasping expectations and the sheer mess of it. But that’s just me, and it’s probably not fair to call the holiday season a mess, at least I suppose it isn’t. But for many, the holidays are considered prime time for lots of parties and gatherings, lots of music, running to the mall, and things to do – that sounds messy to me.
Don’t misunderstand, there are things I love about the holidays. These things mostly have to do with fires in the fireplace, cookies, a few pretty decorations, quiet holiday music, watching The Nutcracker or a great performance of The Messiah, and the exchange of a few meaningful gifts that are well-appreciated.
For many of us, the holidays bring so much negative junk that we get completely discombobulated by the time they’re over, with some of us giving in to dark and dreary moods, some of us just plain crabby, and some of us vowing never, ever, to be subjected to this craziness again. Scrooges and Grinches all.
What can an introvert do?
Well, for one, I recommend taking a look at your reasons for celebrating the holiday season. Are they religious? Do you celebrate because it’s something that everyone does? Do you feel pressured? Is it for giving and getting cool presents? Is it because the cheerful lights make you feel better when the days and nights are so cold and dark?
Depending on your reasons for celebrating, and you might have more than one reason, you can work to find ways to make the holidays more personally meaningful, or you can choose to stop recognizing the winter holidays at all.
Because of the way our society focuses on the outward and what we’re doing, it can be hard to turn the holidays into something more meaningful and comfortable for us, the introverts of the world. There seems to be a certain way to do the holidays, and it usually runs contrary to our need for silence, solitude and reverent consideration. Trying to change our way of handling the holidays might upset some and confuse others, leading to misunderstandings, arguments and hurt feelings.
Personally, I’ve made it a rule that I go to, or host, one Thanksgiving dinner. Not multiples. Period. I’ve also made it very clear that during the month of December, I will involve myself in no more than three holiday get-togethers. This accommodates my own family and my in-laws, and leaves room for New Years Eve or a different evening with a few friends. I’m grateful that I don’t have a holiday work party to deal with – I know that many of you do.
My own decision to limit my holiday party participation has not always been met with joyful acceptance. Frankly, the stand I’ve taken has caused some trouble. But the consequence of just doing what everyone else wants and expects is a me that is doomed to being pretty much wrecked by December 20, dreading the rest of the year and praying furtively for mid-January. So I believe that being quietly involved in some parties and turning down invites to others is a fair compromise.
I think that we’re all interested to hear how other introverted people will handle this year’s holiday season, what they’ve done in the past that worked and what did not work; and any suggestions that can be shared for not only surviving the holiday season but even enjoying it.
If you don’t celebrate the holidays in a traditional way, you can share that, too!
Please chime in!
I’ve found that how I celebrate the holidays has changed over the years. Being married to my ex (who hated Christmas and was really a “wet blanket” about it) taught me to celebrate the Advent/Christmas holidays in ways meaningful to me. I also lived away from family for 12 years, so as a matter of “holiday survival” between the wet-blanket ex and the distance, I learned by necessity how to have an “introvert holiday season.” There are certain things that are very meaningful to me – the lights, the smells, certain holiday goodies; my cat-proof Christmas tree (a 4-foot artificial held down on the table with lots of duct tape!); seasonal music. I’ve learned to do my Christmas shopping WAY ahead of time – in fact, I like to have it done by November and shop all year round, more or less. That really cuts stress, and I can’t bear the crowds at the malls, the Christmas music in the stores even now, etc. I miss the days when I was a believing Christian, because singing the Advent and Christmas night services were highlights of the season for me, but I’m looking into possibly singing with the Unitarians or a church who needs people just for that time. Like you, I’ve learned to limit the holiday parties – there are a few I enjoy, but no more than one a weekend during December, and I always give myself the option of leaving early when I’ve had enough. I avoid the office holiday luncheon as a general rule, since attendance isn’t “required” and I don’t enjoy it. I’ve been known to go in, get some food, and stow it away for later in the day.
Thanks, Joanna, for your comment. Shopping early is a great idea. I also do lots of shopping via the Internet. And I like that you are searching for ways to do the things that hold meaning for you. I am no longer a Christian in a true sense, but I never fail to get out my nativity set and spend quiet time contemplating the teachings of Jesus – this helps bring meaning to the season for me. And I love Christmas Eve services.
I guess I am a bit like the ‘wet blanket ex’ of Joana’s in our household. Whilst I don’t hate Christmas, I do detest the artificiality of it these days. Also for me it happens to coincide with the darkest & shortest days of the year when all I want to do is hibernate!
My wife loves Christmas so we have to compromise.
I have already turned down my invites to work functions and I do look forward to the holidays because it gets me some quiet time away from work hassle.
We will be shopping early and we do a lot on the internet too – but the UK postal strike might scupper this plan yet and I might be forced to shop in the city. Gulp.
We have a fixed routine for the actual holidays: It is understood that our two best friends will stay with us on Christmas Eve on their way home to their families. They leave late morning on Christmas day and we (the two of us) have the rest of the day to ourselves and turn off the phone & doorbell. The 26th of December we visit my wifes family. My own family I haven’t seen for 15 years.
This fixed routine helps me to cope, though I do wonder if my other half gets a bit bored and we do try to get out for walks & things.
I am not a believing Christian (I tend toward Buddhism if anything) but it depresses me that Christmas (at least here in the UK) seems nothing but a marketing opportunity now.
Incidentally – My approach to any office lunch is exactly like Joana – I might pop in and help myself to some food (and a glass of wine) but then eat it in my office.
I have always known the traditional way of celebrating the holidays. Christmas tree, gifts, food, social gatherings. etc. And when I got married and had children I pretty much carried on with those traditions I had always known.
Religious belief really wasn’t at the core for celebrating until I got into the Christian faith for a few years, but now have changed since. Long story.
So just recently I proposed to my husband the idea of going away on a vacation, to do something completely different and “non-traditional” basically try and escape to some island and bask in the sun on a beach somewhere. My husband was all for it.
Now part of the reason for this ‘brainstorm’ of an idea was because our last child is going into the service and was not going to be home for the holidays and also I just didn’t want to indulge in the usual holiday activities.
Well that fantasy now is being postponed until next year because our son won’t be going away to bootcamp until mid January. So I feel we will just stick to what we have always done because I don’t know if I could follow through with a radical change under the circumstances.
I suppose you have to be strong in mind to do something different and go against the norm.
I have to consider myself lucky during the holiday seasons. In my family, the introverts far out-number the extroverts! We have a standard holiday schedule that does not change much from year to year. The biggest debate used to be who will host the gatherings. Let me share with you a little of what we have worked out over the years.
Since my parents are getting older, and not up to cooking and cleaning, most of the holidays are hosted by my sister or I. We have worked out a rotating system, where we each host one of the holidays each. If she has Thanksgiving, I have Christmas…and the next year we switch. Being that my sister is the only remaining extrovert, she will sometimes be kind and host both!
For Thanksgiving, dinner is around 2-3 in the afternoon. Everyone gets together around 1 and brings whatever dish they signed up to bring. This way, no one person gets stuck with all the cooking. We will usually all hang out, picking at the left-overs, until about 6-8 and then we all clean up and head home. One down, one to go!
For Christmas, we spend most of the time sitting around the food table and chatting (we love to eat). It is a quiet time of family bonding where we sometimes break out the family history things and pictures to remember those who we wish were there. Christmas day goes off much the same as the eve. Everyone gets together about 9am and we eat breakfast, open presents and adjourn to the cookie table for more conversation and, maybe a board game or two. Things usually break up around 7 in the evening.
This is a great way to pass the holidays…peaceful and simple. Occasionally, we can talk my mom and dad into playing the piano and trumpet for a few resounding chourses of caroling, but it is mostly laid back. Keeping in mind that our children are grown and my grandson is only a year old, this is a great plan!
I hope you can take some tips from my family to help you cope with the festivities…..I will be thinking of you all while I bite the heads off of gingerbread men!
I really hate Christmas/New Year. I feel guilty because my parents are aged and I know my mother would love to play happy families, and I wish I could play along, but I have a sister with borderline personality disorder who is absolutely poisonous so avoiding contact with her is a priority if I am to remain sane.
It’s also my birthday during the holiday period, and as a child this was utterly miserable because everyone forgot. So for me, as a raging introvert, and with repeat hideous experiences, the holidays are a complete nightmare. I get so stressed and depressed it’s a real ordeal.
I still haven’t come up with the ideal solution. This year I’m trying an early Christmas morning visit to my parents, then disappearing. I’m planning on hiding till it’s over and I can reemerge.
Catherine, I sympathize with the position you’re in with your sister. I have a sister-in-law that I really believe has narcissistic personality disorder, and being thrown together with her at Christmas is like a cold rain. The rest of the family turns a blind eye to her outrageous behavior, and it has taken a lot of joy out of what used to be an enjoyable event. I think they’re trying to preserve peace, but I think keeping our mouths shut about her behavior enables it and I try to avoid her – so spending a family get-together having to actively try to avoid her and not get provoked by her remarks is stressful. Not exactly the stuff Christmas dreams are made of.
Then there’s the night, a few days after Christmas, when we’re still out of town, when my husband wants to go out with his old friends and their wives. I do alright with the dinner, but we always go back to the house of one particular couple, and my husband goes off with his friend and leaves me and the wife alone in the kitchen. We have nothing in common and don’t even particularly like each other. It’s excruciating. I’m going to try to get out of it this year if I can figure out how…
Yes! I am not alone in my lack of enthusiasm of the holiday season! For me, the extra noise, movement/activities, and family demands seems to sap my joy, and makes me quite irritable. I prefer to be contemplative, and place my focus (alone!) on the beauty of the lights, carols, and cooler weather. With a husband and 3 children, time alone is challenging, but I plan on attending yoga classes more often and meditating daily. These restore my spirit, and help keep things in perspective. Every year, we follow the same routine, which becomes tiresome, and a huge source of anxiety for me. The pressures of my parents and in laws is somewhat draining, as everyone’s schedule stays the same status quo. I assume these types of people are simply resistant to change, and upsetting their routine challenges their comfort zone. I cannot control others’, or their reactions to my assertions and verbalizations. Personally, I will focus on things that bring me joy, and spend some alone time every day to recharge and renew my spirit. Attending a quiet, comtemplative candlelight service may be in my future this Christmas Eve(I haven’t done that in years, and love the carols). But, as I approach 40 in a few weeks, I am realizing life is short, and I am honoring myself. May peace and joy (and peace) be with all my fellow travelers this year!
I have always disliked this time of year. It starts in mid October with Halloween and lasts until mid January with New Years. My birthday is also mixed up in there as well. There is too much celebrating with all the extroverted holidays just get lumped together. I wish they could be like other holidays where you just stay home and have a quiet barbecue or go away for a weekend to just relax.
Halloween has dressing up to draw attention to yourself or putting on happy face and acting all impressed when little kids are knocking on your door. Luckily this is not a family-focused holiday so it does give me a little preparation for what is to come. I celebrate just by either going to a movie or watching a movie with friends. It was also really helpful living in a community with very few children.
Next comes my birthday. This one is different because it focuses solely on me. I can’t shift the attention to someone else. I try not to mention it when it comes up, but someone always remembers somehow. The last few times I let a few friends take me to dinner and luckily they didn’t tell the servers to do one of those ridiculous birthday cheers with the rest of the restaurant watching. The easiest way for me to get through my birthday is to go to a QUIET restaurant where loud friends would be embarrassed to cause a scene. Being at a restaurant also puts more of a time limit on the event so it doesn’t drag on and wear me out. I only let one group of friends take me out. Other groups usually understand if I already have plans with a group of people they don’t know.
Things start getting really hard at Thanksgiving. This is when family comes into the picture. This will be my first Thanksgiving around family in twelve years. I am already dreading it. Most thanksgiving dinners were with my mom’s side of the family. Dinners involve a lot of eating and loud talking with little listening. They put a lot of focus on who helps with preparing the dinner and cleaning up like it’s a competition of who helps the most. This is where problems would start with my mother. This usually ends up in a condescending discussion about giving and taking and how little some people do (just because they don’t announce to the rest of the family how they are helping out). Then when I get tired this would lead to another discussion with my mother concerning social disorders, selfish behavior, rudeness, and missing the spirit of Thanksgiving. I have found the best thing to do in these situations is to stay away from the family you are living with. I also pretend to be interested in the parades and sports on television to keep my mind off things and keep the conversations to a minimum.
Then my least favorite comes: Christmas. There is way too much performance expected at this time of year: the show-off decorations, the boastful year-end letters, the cameras snapping staged-to-look-spontaneous pictures, the I-can-sing-louder-than-you carols, the look-how-much-I-spent gifts. I only set up a small tree and plug in a light up snowman. That is it for the decorating. Having space in the house that isn’t decorated for Christmas keeps my mind off the holidays. I make sure I have all my shopping done and shipped before Thanksgiving. Shoppers are so rude and greedy at this time. My dad’s side of the family doesn’t exchange gifts anymore and that helps a lot. I have tried to get my mom’s side of the family to eliminate the gift giving as well. My mom’s family is the extroverted side of the family and focus more on the action and appearance of giving gifts. I also have all my cards sent out the first week of December. I used to send out holiday letters every year but now only do that every few years. It got depressing when so little would happen to me in one year that I couldn’t fill up one page. Luckily I don’t have a lot of parties to go to. I only go to casual open-houses. I only stay for an hour at the most and only if there is someone else I know attending. If I only know the host I just stay a couple minutes to make an appearance. Luckily there were no formal after-hours work parties. Having casual work potlucks are good because people would just go get some food on their break and go back to work. Everyone would just talk to coworkers like they do on break. This will also be my first Christmas around family in twelve years. The family problems at Thanksgiving with my mom’s side of the family would return at Christmas. Luckily my dad’s side of the family is more relaxed and casual. Taking control of the camera helps keep me in the background instead of out in the action. About the only thing I will not compromise on is the singing. I take a stand and refuse to sing.
New Years is the one holiday at this time of year I can almost ignore. I have never had any obligations to do anything to celebrate. My friends understand I do not drink and do not have a significant other. They seem to understand the awkwardness of being around other people kissing their partners at Midnight. The only part I really don’t like is people wanting to talk about resolutions that will never be accomplished.
The things that used to get me through the holidays were living away from family and working retail hours. Working retail might sound like a crazy thing for an introvert to do at this time of year or any time of year for that matter. Having the weird hours has given me reason to not attend parties and gatherings. I always volunteered to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve. I would not recommend working at the front register or in a commissioned sales position. Stocking, cleaning, and warehouse positions don’t require as much customer contact. Being unemployed and living with my parents is difficult already, but it is going to be strenuous challenge during this time of year.
I’m not religious, so I don’t celebrate any of the holidays, but I do enjoy the winter in other ways. I surf, and Southern California gets some nice swells during the cold season. It’s a great way to get some exercise, catch a sunset, see some dolphins, and enjoy nature by myself.
For those of you who don’t live near a beach, I suggest skiing, snowboarding, taking a walk in the snow, or any other fine individual winter activities.
I thought I was the only person around who actually feels relieved if people forget my birthday!!
My sister-in-law is a holiday freak – she expects gifts for Christmas (of course) her birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s day, Sweetest Day (a made-up holiday if there ever was one), mothers’ day, and several others. She has her husband trained like a circus seal. I always joke to my husband that I wonder what she got for Groundhog Day. The superficial gift-giving is kind of tiresome. I told some of my family members this year that they can get me a gift if they feel inspired, but not to get a gift just for the sake of getting it.
I hear several of you about birthdays being mixed up with the holiday season – I’m stuck with a December birthday, too, and I’ve always hated it – not only is the weather generally nasty where I live (East Midwest), but your birthday becomes one more thing to deal with. How many times has any of us heard “do you mind if I combine your birthday and Christmas gift/party/etc.?” Well, what do you think? is what one feels like saying. I’m in my 50s now, so it’s not as big of a deal, but I’m still peeved that a “must-go-to” family holiday gathering is the weekend of my birthday! As a child, I hated it because I got depressing-colored winter clothes and practical stuff, whereas friends whose birthdays were in spring/summer got fun stuff and fun clothes! I do still love the old holiday stories and carols. One tradition I started years ago is to read and/or watch at least once my favorite versions of “A Christmas Carol” (my favorite video version being George C. Scott’s performance in 1984, although Patrick Stewart’s more recent version is very good, too). That always means Christmas to me. I think I’ve found a church to sing with for Christmas – the Catholic church doesn’t know that I’m not Catholic anymore!! As for New Year’s, I used to absolutely abhor it, both the Eve and Day. Now I don’t mind – I spend New Year’s Eve safely at home doing something enjoyable, not drinking, not caring about midnight. New Year’s Day, which used to depress me, has become fun for the last 6 years. I sing Shape Note music (Sacred Harp) – the primitive hymns sung still in the South and sung for the last 300+ years in this country – and our local group always has a big New Year’s Day sing from about 10 a.m. to 3:30 p.m., which features (as do almost all Shape Note things) a potluck “dinner on the grounds.” It’s great for introverts, since you’re generally singing, you can meet new people without stress in the few breaks and dinner because at least you have one thing in common in liking the music, and it’s fun to try new foods.
By the way, I agree with John in that working in retail can be a good way to pass some of the time, but be aware that Christmas in retail starts in October and you’ll be heartily sick of it by Christmas, especially the music! Also, people get really crabby before Christmas and love to take it out on you, the innocent cashier. The most fun I’ve had was working in the military package beverage store on New Year’s Eve – the pace is all day, but everyone is in a good mood, and you can chat without it being too much, plus folks want recommendations for how to do what or which wine with what.
I am coming to visit Justin in Southern California!!! I live nowhere near a beach or mountains (a goal to reach before I croak!). Just sitting on a lounge chair on the sand, staring at the waves…How relaxing, hypnotizing, and energizing at the same time (and quiet…).As per my above post, I guess I will stick to the extra yoga and meditation this season. And, for everyone, remember to look at all the blessings in your lives (i.e. your mental and ,hopefully, physical health, a community of fellow introverts and wonderfully serene individuals,etc)! Long live the introverts!!
If any of you are members of the MBTI Club (I am – they have great info on the Myers-Briggs types), they have lots of great articles in their monthly newsletter about introverts and extroverts. Their current one is about introverts taking over the world. The articles are practical, often humorous, and like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, talk about strengths, remembering that any strength magnified can be detrimental-of all types and include helpful tips and information about relating to others and using our strengths. Here’s a link: http://www.mbticlub.com/.
I travel by plane to visit my divorced parents at Christmas. My mother remarried a few years ago. Her husband has six adult kids along with their spouses who are loud and boisterous. We don’t have a minute’s peace and even play word games while eating our holiday meal. It is more than I can take and honestly makes me feel ill.
I cope somewhat by serving dessert, cleaning the kitchen, and loading the dishwasher. This gives me an excuse to be in the kitchen BY MYSELF and recharge my batteries.
I agree that shopping early is a wonderful holiday coping strategy. I also buy many gifts online. Another helful tip is to fly nonstop, even if it costs more. I always ask for books as gifts, so I have a good excuse for some quiet time. It also helps if I don’t overeat or drink.
I completely hear you on this one. I don’t go the the malls or do much shopping from Thanksgiving to just after New Years. I give people time to buy and return all the junk they bought. It’s insane out there this time of year.
What I really hate is the requirement to be JOYFUL! I have been called a Scrooge because I was not happy enough during the holiday season. What do I have to be happy about? I can’t be home with my parents again this year, I have no idea what to get my wife, I am already sick of winter cold, and every crouded noisy store has music stars singing the same Christmas songs over and over and over again:-(
You aren’t required to be joyful or anything else, Shawn – at the same time, I would suggest not being a wet blanket on the season because there are lots of us, both introverts and extroverts, who love Christmas for a variety of reasons, not necessarily religious. Like you, I don’t like Christmas music so early – drives me nuts! I also don’t like winter, but that can’t be helped. I try to find things I do like about the season (like, we’re only 5 weeks from the Winter Solstice!)- lights, lovely music services in churches, color, old stories, food…I think one has to get away from the materialistic season that retailers want and need to push to make a living and find other ways to experience it – or not – without being a killjoy. I find it helps to lie via a smile sometimes when one doesn’t feel good at “socially joyful” times.
I am sory. I didn’t mean to come across as a wet blanket. I’m not really, as my extroverted wife can attest. I just am not normally extreamly exuberant unless I have had too much coffee. I just wanted to point out that I have been more than once verbally scolded by other people (not my wife or family)for not being EXTROVERTED enough for the holidays. Exactly how cheerful is enough? What is the rubric on holiday spirit? Doesn’t it diminish the holiday spirit to force extroverted behavior on us introverts? Doesn’t that strike you as a Totalitarian government might behave? (Nazie Germany certainly put a lack of exuberance as suspect)Wasn’t the first Christmas a “Silent Night?” My point was I don’t think I must act like an extrovert so everybody thinks I am normal. I cannot maintain Sanguin behavior for very long… certainly not for a whole month. And I certainly dislike extroverts getting agressive and verbably scolding me for not being like them.
Hi Shawn, I understand. I can do the extrovert act, but only for so long. I have a very nosy step-aunt that is always asking at family gatherings “what I’ve been up to.” Now, I don’t particularly like this woman, but I try to be polite and say something like, “oh, the usual things – I have a nice life.” She won’t let it lie there – she has to ask WHAT. Bloody rude! I’ve learned to not go into detail with her – anything I as an introvert like to do strikes her as “not enough” or I get the classic extrovert response “Is that ALL?” I try to avoid her. I’m getting to the point where I’m trying to be enough of a snot that I think of things to say ahead of time that might get her to bug off while being polite! As I said, a smile can be enough – if it’s a lie, well, most extroverts won’t know the difference in my experience. Like you, I won’t take the attacking – then it’s time to stand up for oneself. Sometimes, you have to go back in their face and say something quiet like, “gee, since when is scolding someone part of the Christmas spirit?” or “I’m joyful – I just save it for special times and friends.” And yes, since extraverts are in the majority, they don’t see that it isn’t their right to force their way of doing things on others. For that matter, I have an ISTJ colleague who is the same-my introversion style is not hers, therefore, it’s wrong.
As for the first Christmas – unless one believes that Jesus’s mother had a pain-free labor, I doubt that first Christmas night was anything BUT a “silent night”!!!
More like a “bloody noisy screaming night!”
If it’s any consolation, Shawn, I’m dreading the holiday parties as much as you are!
BTW, a way of coping at parties and family events — at least for us females (and maybe some males) – do you have a “portable pasttime” such as crocheting? I’ve learned to always take a small crocheting project to any social gathering and work on it if I just want to sit quietly. I find I’m more relaxed if my hands are busy, plus sometimes, it’s a way to interact with people, because people will notice, ask me what I’m working on, admire the work, etc. I’ve even been asked if I would teach people and have made some new acquaintances that way. If people ask why I’m crocheting at a party, I explain that since I work as a medical transcriptionist, I’m not used to just sitting and listening without having my hands busy – unless I feel like poking a bit of fun and using the old saying “idle hands are the devil’s tools, you know.” That usually gets a chuckle.
Aww Shawn I feel ya. I know what you mean. I told my neighbour that I was thinking about not decorating this year, no tree and lights etc. and immediately she made the “baa humbug” Scrooge comment. I laughed and just said I was only thinking about it and elaborated on my reason. She then admitted that she does it more for the grandchildren, and I think she secretly liked my idea.
I don’t think you are being a wet blanket not one bit. I think other people need to see the flip side of the picture and be considerate of other peoples point of views and feelings.
Look, you can’t force joy, joy, happy, happy, if you aren’t feeling the vibe. It’s bloody tiring and a pain in the butt trying to dig for those feelings.
As for getting your wife a gift, just ask her, instead of having to rack your brain to come up with the “perfect” gift for her, you really want to know for sure what she would be happy with, allow her to give you two or three items on a list that she would be happy with. And it would still be a surprise to her what item on that list you choose.
I asked my son how he felt about me not getting a tree and decorating. He said he didn’t care, whatever! He is a free thinking, funny 18 yr old. As long as we have food and he gets a bit of cash, he’s fine. Lol.
I just laughed and loved his nonchalent attitude.
And my husband heard me out and we are staying home for Thanksgiving. I think he is liking the idea of not having to do the 4 hour drive to his family and us just vegging at home. I will still cook something. At first I felt a bit guilty, but now I am enjoying the prospect. He has yet to tell his family we aren’t going up there. He is telling them this weekend. I said hey blame it all on me, I don’t mind taking the flack for it.
Hey Shawn, if you really want to secretly oppose the holiday jolliness and have a laugh. Look up (Monty Python)Eric Idle’s Christmas song on Youtube.
Warning! Not for the devout religious or those sensitive to strong language.
If you have to endure some social events, you can just humm the little ditty in your head and it will make you feel better to know that you aren’t alone with your ‘humbug’ attitude.
Anything Monty Python is bound to be good – thanks, naturerules! for the bit about the song. I love Christmas, but I admit all the decorating can be a hassle – in fact, the whole season can be a hassle! I have to duct-tape my 4-foot Christmas tree to a table so my 3 cats don’t accidentally knock it over when they sit beneath it, which they love to do!
I hope this is not too off topic, but has there ever been a study done on any corrilation between introverts and serious headaches? Do introverts living in an extroverted country like we do get more headaches from being around overstimulated enviroments? I am an introvert, and I sometimes get cluster headaches and migranes. I thought of this while Christmas shopping, and it occured to me that Christmas is rather noisy. I walk into a store past a bell ringer, into a forrest of sensory overload with “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” in my ears, and a loud train sound on one of the displays. To be fair, I think it was my headache that was not enjoyinbg this more than my introversion, But is there a connection? Do I not enjoy Christmas as much as the next guy because it is just too over the top and gives me headaches? I have somewhat the same reaction to fireworks…sometimes I like a good fireworks show, and sometimes I would rather not have painful bright lights and explosions.
That’s an interesting idea, Shawn, about headaches and introversion. I’m an introvert and a pretty much lifelong migraineur (averaging 2 migraines a month during 2009). All but one of my migraines I can trace to weather changes this year as far as triggers, but that hasn’t always been the case, and it certainly would be interesting to find out if there is a correlation between overstimulation holiday-extravert style that leads to headaches for introverts. I know that when I’m prodroming (pre-migraine attack symptoms) and early into the actual attack, sound and light can be painful at best and excruciating at worst. I’ve had a strong urge to wear earplugs going even into the grocery since the idiots in retail started playing Christmas music here right after Halloween! I have to say that one of the reasons I Christmas-shop all year and avoid the stores after November 15th is because I can’t bear the sensory overload you mention of people, noise, trains, lights, music, etc. It makes me feel exhausted and cranky.
I’m with you re fireworks in the sense that I like the displays but can’t bear the noise. I have a friend, though, whose few migraines in her life were triggered by one of those “disco balls” – rather like fireworks.
Im glad to announce that I took the chance to skip out on my office holiday party. I havent gotten too many repurcusions about getting out of it yet, even though I expect them since these are usually mandatory so no one really enjoys going.
I really dont get how you can make people feel so obligated to go to a party, which should be something thats fun. As soon as you put pressure and use the word mandatory that instantly turns it into a dull daunting task, which it is ( the “party”, which is the wrong word is not much more fun that going to a conference as it was that boring!) I find that the more you pester somone about attending a party, the more unappealing and dreadful it becomes and more difficult for introverts if I say so myself. This is the same reason why I really dont want to go to my highschool reunion more and more and am starting to wish I never got a facebook. since people who never talked to me before keep posting more and more bothersome posts about getting a meeting together for anyone who is in town over the holidays. I will be in town but I have no time to plan a reunion with people w ho havent botered with me in 10 years if at all…what are they thinking?)
I am happy to say that I am just making the time to see my family and am going out with a few of my ( real) friends from work tomorrow night for a birthday. The thing I cant stand about my office is that there are only a few people I trust, because its just like high school where you have alot of phony people who seem so quick to criticize everyone and everthing for no reason. They like to talk about others behind their backs all the time and how much they cant stand each other, but two minutes later will go out to lunch and go drink sake together at the Japanese steakhouse on the weekends as if they were all best friends. I cant just deal with that at all. Its just so utterly fake. I am not a fan of fabricated friendships and have no energy or desire to maintain them inside and outside the office. I just dont get that. Its one thing to be civil at work to save face at your job, why would you want to spend your spare time hanging out with people you dont even like and put on this charade? This is also the common reason why I dont want to go to my holiday office party and my high school reunion ( esp since I currrently live 200 miles from my hometown which is not helping the cause of these pushy reuinon planners)
But the holidays are crazy enough without the office party. I do love Chrstmas, other than that and the crazy crowded malls which I avoid as much as I can. I would rather spend the time honoring traditions that are very meaningful to me and making time for people who I care about the most. I am happiest getting the Christmas tree, decorating, viewing some of my favorite cheesy Christmas cartoons and movies which have been part of my holiday traditions for most of my life ( I happily watched Its a Wonderful Life last night), looking at Christmas lights, attending church services and even caught a renenactment of the Nativity Scene in the town park..which does bring the whole true meaning of the holiays home.
Hi Amy, that’s so typical of offices, what you’re experiencing – very much like high school or grade school, complete with cliques. It’s like that in my office, too, except quieter, because most folks work remote. Understand that the folks doing all that socializing in your office are probably extraverts – they get their energy from that – doesn’t mean you should. As to trusting people in your workplace, don’t. You’ve seen enough of the behavior to warrant that. I find it’s best to smile, be polite, but no more; do your job; go home and relax. I have never gone to a high school reunion, either. As for Facebook, tweak your settings so that not just everyone can find you. You have control over whether to “talk” to these people or not. If you’re not interested in them and haven’t heard from them forever, block or ignore them! Even Facebook can be made “introvert friendly.” Good luck!
When I retired and moved to a small river town, I thought I could enjoy my lifestyle — watching nature, walking my dog, painting — and for the most part I have. Unfortunately I have neighbors next door, one of whom thinks I have a disease. She does what I call a death watch. If she doesn’t see me for a few days she makes it a point to loudly comment that she thought I was dead and was ready to break down my door. She has no concept of privacy or introspection, but she means well (or at least that’s what I keep telling myself). Unfortunately, she also has a chip on her shoulder, is a control freak and takes my unwillingness to participate in every invitation as a personal affront. I’ve tried explaining that I’m never bored and usually involved in projects and don’t like to get out of the groove once I’m in it.
It’s sometimes awkward, but I refuse to give in to others’ perceptions. For the most part, I manage to have a fairly good balance with most people. I enjoy my friends — but in small doses. Most of them give me the space I require. My biggest problem still is how to decline invitations without seeming rude. I often accept only to bow out later which only compounds the issue. One friend has said I need no excuses — to simply say, “I’m sorry, I can’t make it.” Period. I’ve tried that (and it works!), but with some situations I can’t seem to manage it. I’m making a NY resolution to work on it further. I like to live in the moment, but when people need to plan, I think it rude to say “maybe I’ll come, maybe I won’t.”
I shop on-line, listen to Christmas music while wrapping packages, sometimes bake cookies, pick the time to deliver the bounty — and leave before things become uncomfortable. In other words, I control the situation. I’ve found holidays with family much more enjoyable now. For me, it’s about the children anyway.
In the grand scheme of things, these are small problems. I’ve always felt introverts were the glue holding life together and, while I’m somewhat borderline, I totally understand and respect those who enjoy their own company. I certainly enjoy mine!
Hi Deb,
It sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on things. I’ve run into a few people like your neighbor in my life. I can think of one who was quite a bit like what you describe and I almost literally had to just ignore her (which seems cruel, I know) – she was always trying to be in the middle of my life.
And of course, there are those who take a decline invitation personally. I really think that they truly don’t understand that it isn’t anything personal, and they just can’t help it. So lately, I’ve tried to be a little more understanding about some people’s hurt indignation when I turn down an invitation. That doesn’t mean I don’t turn invitations down. What it means is that when they get upset about it, I no longer get upset at them for being upset. It is hard though, to turn invites down. We’re socialized that the right thing to do is say “yes”, and if we don’t have a very good reason for saying “no”, then something is wrong with us. It’s a big struggle and you’re right that while saying “I’m sorry, I can’t make it” is a good idea that works, it’s not always that easy for one reason or another.
And you’re also right that in the grand scheme, these are little problems. They’re valid problems, no doubt. But sometimes we need to be grateful that we’re not dealing with something bigger and badder.
Thanks for your comment. Enjoy this holiday season! Peace.
Hi Amy,
I’ve been struggling with whether or not to go to my own class reunion, which is next summer, and only about an hour from where I live. I haven’t been to one class reunion yet, and am wondering, for the same reasons you are, why I would bother to go (although there are a handful of people I would like to see).
And yes, it does seem like offices are an awful lot like reenactments of high school, as both you and Joana have aptly pointed out. I’m glad for you that you’re not doing the things that you find uncomfortable and distasteful, just for the sake of fitting in with the pack. You’re honoring your true self. And if that true self wants to attend a Christmas party and a class reunion, that’s great; and if she doesn’t, and you recognize that and want to do what is right for you, that’s great too!
I hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday season. I sounds like you’re making it bright with meaning and tradition.
Have a happy holiday everyone!
I am feeling alot better about the choice i made for tomorrow. I am alot happier that I had decided to skip the party in favor of making the trip ( even if its about 4 hours) to spend the holidays with my parents and the rest of my family and close friends that I dont see all the time. Its more meaningful to spend holidays with at least people whom you really love or at least get along wth and who care and feel the same of you too..this is what the holidays should be about..enjoying your OWN traditions and celebrating the way that means teh most to you.
Have a happy holiday everyone!
I am feeling alot better about the choice i made for tomorrow. I am alot happier that I had decided to skip the party in favor of making the trip ( even if its about 4 hours) to spend the holidays with my parents and the rest of my family and close friends that I dont see all the time. Its more meaningful to spend holidays with at least people whom you really love or at least get along wth and who care and feel the same of you
Since the Superbowl is almost a holiday in this country (it is an official holiday on Guam) I would like to mention my experience going to a superbowl party. While going to the party was benificial (especially the chicken and chili) I did have some observations. If I hadn’t gone to the party, I would have stayed home and avoided kids standing in front of the TV having to be told 100 times to please sit down, and the massive amount of chatter by those not interested in the game at all. I heard none of the comercials, and none of half time performance because of the noise. I also would have missed the trash talking (which has been worse in previous years when my team was loosing).
I remember one party where I summuned the courage to offer the idea of an introvert and an extrovert seperation. We introverts stayed together, played a quiet game, and enjoyed a rare chance to say something in a conversation (as I recall, the subjects were tea, old time radio shows, hockey, and US/Canada relations). We could hear the extroverts yelling and screaming somewhere else and playing one of those party games where you win by being the first one to say the answer (I never win those games). I am glad I suggested the introvert/extrovert idea because it was an enjoyable party for the introverts.
My two cents on your last post Lee Ann, I have never been to a class reunion, and I do not intend to ever go. I don’t understand the attraction. The only thing I have in common with my classmates is we were born within 365 days of each other. They didn’t talk to them much when we were in Junior English, and they thought I was too unfriendly and stuck up (and all those other accusations leveled against introverts we have heard before). I would rather go to a reunion of my high school band. We actually shared common experiences, and worked together with performances, and liked each other (I didn’t go to partied with the band, but that was more acceptable). I had similar “issues” in collage where I felt closer to the people in my area of study and my chosen clubs than the people in my dorm. Why must I take the view that the dorm hall is the entire collage experience? Why must I be forced to socialise with you, when we have nothing in common? What would we talk about? And why must you trerat me poorly because I am an introvert with a life beond third floor room 23, a preference for sleeping a few hours a night, a preference for not getting arrested for underage drinking, and a preference for passing grades on my report card? Sorry I’ve rampled so much, but I have had a lot of coffee today.
I’m with you, Shawn, on both class reunions and pseudo-parties – and you’re right, Super Bowl Sunday is practically a religious obligation. I personally make sure to stay away from reunions and parties. I have, at best, a mild interest in the outcome of the game and listening to hours of chat, yelling, armchair replays, and badly raised children is my idea of hell! As are class reunions. Perhaps if one went to a small school and had a small class – but my high school class numbered 800! If I wanted to pursue an acquaintance with those folks, I would have.