Photo: Robert Snache – Spirithands.net

“No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.” ~ John Donne, Meditation XVII, English clergyman & poet (1572 – 1631)

I love this quote. It speaks of the interconnectedness of all people. As humans, we’re all in this messy, stressed out, horrible, beautiful, curious, meaning-filled life together.

You might wonder why I’d write something like this, me being an introvert and all. I could easily be mistaken for a human island, or at least the tip of a peninsula.

But the truth is that even me, the introvert who fancies herself a hermit, needs other people, and needs to acknowledge my membership in the human race. And you, the introvert who has his or her own thoughts about what would make life better – maybe a less wordy, less wheedling and less lemming-ish society (whoops, that’s my fantasy, too!), needs other people, too.

Let me backpedal now – before I spew any more blasphemy from my mouth. Maybe we don’t need other people the way that extroverts do – for entertainment purposes and in droves, but I can think of at least one way an introvert needs others – that’s as a support network.

OK, OK, that sounds so lame and extroverted. We’re introverts! We don’t need nobody! Ever!

Um, wrong. If it hasn’t already happened to you, it will in the future – you’re going to need someone to help you deal with loss, grief, serious confusion, over-the-top joy or something else that is intense – too intense to handle alone. That’s where even for us, it’s good to have some other humans that we can turn to, and that we’ll allow to turn to us, for support.

I have a friend who is an extrovert. An over-the-top extrovert. She freely admits this. She describes what happens to her when she is in the middle of a crisis (or a really good moment) like this: “I have to get it out and share it in a sort of verbal and emotional regurgitation process”. Trust me, I’ve seen this happen. It is much like throwing up. But this is what works for her and it’s a common trait among extroverts. They need to share what’s going on in their lives with others, and generally, the more the better. It’s fine. It’s what they do. It’s how they deal with things.

We, on the other hand, keep things to ourselves – both the good and the bad. It’s all lower key. We keep our own counsel. It’s fine. It’s what we do. It’s how we deal with things.

But there are times when even an introvert needs to gather someone, a couple friends or maybe trusted family members, close, to help deal with something, or to share something good with.

If you feel that need, don’t get all introvert on yourself and tell yourself you have to stand alone. It’s OK to share both grief and joy. It’s OK to ask for help when your life is completely messed up. You might not want or need to do the verbal/emotional puking thing, but it’s OK to need others sometimes. It’s part of being a person.

An introvert’s support group may be significantly smaller than one than an extrovert would gather in times of intense living. It might be only one or two people. It might include a complete stranger such as a counselor. It might include a pet (but we’re talking about a human network here).

When we’re in the middle of a crisis, or of a wonderful moment, it’s natural to want to share with someone – maybe not everyone, and maybe not in large doses – but someone, sometimes. It’s also OK to move more deeply inside yourself when you need to.

Just remember that no man or woman is an island. The human race, no matter how screwed up it is, is connected. We need to have connections. There is no need for an introvert to have to cope with everything alone. We need to receive comfort and congratulations, and we need to give those things too.

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