photo: nonofarahshila

How do I balance my natural desire to be alone with my natural need for relationships?

Extroverts don’t have this question, because they have less need for alone time than introverts do and they also prefer to cultivate many relationships in their lives.

But introverts find this to be a stumbling block. I do in my own life. I have to make a concerted effort to remember that I need to call or at least email my friends (it’s a short list) and family. I can go weeks and months without making contact or inviting someone out for coffee or lunch or a stroll in the park. My need to spend lots of time by myself often beats out any need I have for companionship and conversation. But if I have friends (and family members that I want to be in touch with), they can’t be the only ones making the effort. Relationships involve giving and taking and yes, introverts need relationships (with the exception of a few introverts who are sworn hermits).

I’m not saying that an introvert needs lots of relationships, but we do need at least a few quality ones. So in this case, the introvert (that’s us) needs to put a foot over the line and pick up the phone or launch an email or send a card or invite for coffee or a martini. At some point the desire to share life’s ups and downs overrides the need to be alone. And then the pendulum swings back the other way.

We sometimes get disillusioned with all this friendship, relationship business. People can be jerks. They can suck the life out of you. They can be manipulative and nasty. They can be pests. So we go off into our cave and say, “Well, I’m done with people – they’re all idiots”. I’ve done it plenty of times myself.

But really, people aren’t all idiots. Some are actually nice, non-pestering, intelligent, thinking creatures. The trick is to find them and make them into your friends. The road to that end is peppered with people you’d prefer to not have to talk to again. That doesn’t mean you should give up. That means you should keep looking. There are people out there that aren’t insulted when someone turns down an invitation (just make the turn down appropriate). There are people out there that are introverts (then the trick is to keep both of you from forgetting to call or email once in a blue moon). There are people out there that are sincerely caring and good.

How do we find these people amid the din and chaos of the noisemakers and the troublemakers? We think outside the box. We smile. We don’t hide away. Get over the whole, “but I’m not an extrovert” thing. Of course you’re not. And yes it’s hard. It’s a pain in the ass, quite frankly. And it’s all a matter of balance. What do you want? What do you need? Are you willing to do your part? Are you willing to possibly get your toes stepped on from time to time?

Don Miguel Ruiz said in his book The Four Agreements, don’t take anything personally. In the world of relationships with family and friends, and with significant others, too, there is vast potential for both happiness and support, and hurt. When the disappointments come along, don’t take it personally – it’s not about you.

The bottom line is that most of us do want some friends and that because we’re introverted we tend to be more selective. We also want to be sure that the friendships we grow aren’t the kind that are going to be toxic or keep us from getting what we need for our physical and psychological health – alone time and peace and quiet. This puts a few twists in what for many, is a straightforward operation. It might not be as easy for us, but it’s worth it to understand that we can have great relationships, and they can be accommodating to our personality style. But we also have to stretch a little to get what we want.