photo: leochi

Introverts and extroverts alike have wondered from time to time if a person’s introverted personality can cause a relationship to fail. It’s never the other way around – will an extrovert’s personality hurt a relationship – it’s always the introvert’s personality.

I suppose that the assumption is that because we’re the ones who are different (I know – we could get into a whole long conversation again about majorities and minorities and who it is that is really different, but let’s not), it’s going to be our weird personality, penchant for territoriality, need for alone time, lack of desire to talk much and aversion to dealing with too many people at one time that screws things up.

My husband and I had a terrible time the first four or so years of our relationship because he couldn’t understand why I refused to do some of the things he loved (like being ridiculously social). But it was me that was the strange one, not him. Fortunately, we got past all of that when I finally shoved Marti Olsen Laney’s book, The Introvert Advantage in front of him. He still teases me that I don’t like people.

So, can introversion hurt a relationship? Well, the answer is no. But ignorance can (note that I’m using the word ignorance here – which means a lack of knowledge – I’m not calling anyone stupid).

When an introvert enters a relationship with anyone, whether it’s a friendship, dating, marriage, work relationship or anything else, if the other person or people in the relationship don’t understand what being introverted is about (or if the introvert doesn’t understand what being introverted is about), trouble is a good possibility.

For some introverts, the answer has been to act like an extrovert in order to keep the peace and not invite questions or criticism. For other introverts, the answer has been to assert themselves and try to explain what being introverted means and what that person needs in terms of personal space, privacy and time alone. Sometimes this assertiveness is met with resistance and sometimes it’s met with open arms and an “Aha!”

The keys to keeping introversion from hurting your relationships (and remember, I’m really talking about people’s ignorance of introversion, not the introversion itself) are knowledge, communication, understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle.

Hmmm. Communication, knowledge, understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle are keys to any good relationship – no matter what personality types are involved.

Thanks for reading!